Why do I like to eat what I like to eat? It’s a puzzle, of course. Some of it must naturally arise from the peculiarities of my specific papillary configuration. (Hey, get your mind back up here! I’m talking tastebuds.) Some preferences were undoubtedly trained into me by the provender present in the happiest associations of my infancy and childhood. A few favorites have sprung from serendipitous tastings introduced by environment, friends, or random grocery store discoveries.
And there is that wide swath of my preferences defined by three simple characteristics: sweetness, fat and umami. An unbiased observer might perceive this as a recipe for dietary disaster, especially regarding the potential for shrinkage in the vascular regions and expansion in the pants-ular regions. I will not deny that age and indiscretion have been taking me at speed down the well-buttered slopes of gravity toward ever more elastic-oriented departments at the clothiers’. I am cursed, however, with sound dentition, few allergies, unusually slick arteries, and an exceedingly forgiving self-image, and therefore delude myself consistently into flagrant indulgence. Fie upon my natural good health! It makes me ever the more porcine in my eating habits no matter how I flatter myself I’m too wise to fall so far.
Even the recommended remedy for stopping zombies would likely fail here, if you subscribe to the old school of filling their mouths with salt and sewing their lips shut, because of course salt enhances the umami perception and you’d just end up recharging my gastronomic ghastliness. Not, I would think, your aimed-for outcome of saving me from my food-stalking madness.
Then what shall I do? Mangia, mangia! What, did you really think there was any other solution? I crave delicious things. I would no more survive a deprivation diet than I would invite a known sadist over to give me a mani-pedi. If you happen to be looking for me, then, look no farther than the nearest grocery aisle, the kitchen with the loaded larder. I will be the one moving like a monstrous threshing machine through the comestibles, making Yummy Sounds with wild abandon.
Maybe I’ll throw together a little parcel of pork chops–they go down nicely with, say, a ragout of green beans and cremini mushrooms, some buttery, fat avocado, and a crisp sweet pear . . .
Lest you think I’m utterly indiscriminate and have landed in the only possible location where one of my ilk could survive–Texas being known for both its Everything-Oversized approach to life and ‘it tastes better when it’s deep fried’ attitude toward all things edible–there are some few things I won’t eat in any quantity. I’m only mostly indiscriminate.
Especially if there are foods handy that have any combination of the previously named temptations. Sweetness plus fat? Oh, yeah. Fat plus umami? Soitanly. Sweetness plus fat plus umami? Get thee out of my way, for I must needs attack these victuals instanter!
I will admit that spending long periods of time mulling over my food-lust is probably not precisely what one would term a cure or even a mitigation of the condition. After all of my worried ruminations on this topic, however, my friend Dennis Lange over at thebardonthehill assured me in haiku that:
Calories don’t count
On any Foodie Tuesday –
It’s only blogging.
I couldn’t’ve said it better myself. After all, my mouth is so full.
Fresh labne with olive oil, za’atar and lime juice on warm flatbread . . .
. . . a savory treat that goes down especially well with, say, some fresh squeezed blood orange juice . . .
Art-Colored Glasses 
Looks toothsome to me.
At the moment, I’m stuck in Christmas Cookie mode after a weekend of such delicacies provided by the neighbor’s girls Maggie and Jessica who dominated the the kitchen with their baking efforts. See http://vermontverse.wordpress.com/2011/12/06/gettin-ready-for-christmas/
As for yummie sounds, yes, I’ll be making those after I put the candle back.
Just remember that The staircase can be treacherous!
I had a visit to Jess and Maggie and yes, I can see exactly why you’d be deep in Christmas Cookie mode! Lucky you, having charming bakers right there handy!
Tweacherwous. So stay close to the unlit candles. Of course, the rates have gone up.
Nice knockers. I’ll take the one in the toyban.
Ya killin’ me heah! 😀
Oh there is so long I haven’t eaten labne and yours sure looks yuuum-mmmmy 😉
I cheated and used ready-made whole milk yogurt to strain for it, but yes, it *was* very tasty! I think I might have also used the blood orange olive oil for that batch, and OHHHHH what a treat that oil is!! http://stonehouseoliveoil.com/store/blood_orange_olive_oil_256754750.html
I like mysteries and enigmas wrapped in something good to eat. Yum!
As you can see, I like pretty much anything wrapped in something good to eat! I’m definitely not hard to figure out, am I. 🙂
You are so damn funny. i love that you love food with such abandon.. I make labneh often, i don’t know why mine is spelt differently but it tastes great! celi
Probably because you spell it correctly and I don’t! I guess I’d better look it up, eh? And yes, such a simple yet fantastic taste treat. Too bad Mr Sparkly’s overactive taste buds don’t like Sour so he won’t go near the stuff. Which means more for me! 😉 Oh, well.
You say labne she says labneh… this eat this whole thing off… um, that was bad, but you’re a tough act to follow! You had me laughing!! As always! My favorite line: I must needs attack these victuals instanter!
Feel free to attack any victuals you find when you come down to visit!
xo,
K
I’m not sure that using pork chops with the word nosh is kosher.
No, you’re absolutely right. I shall change it so as not to offend. My macaronic monkeying with language is far from perfect! I appreciate having a wiser person share his expertise. 🙂
Actually I thought the phrase was funny rather than offensive, Kathryn, so please don’t take my comment as a criticism and don’t feel obliged to change your wording. I don’t eat meat myself, but there are plenty of people who are ethnically Jewish but not religious who do eat pork.
Not to worry, I know what you mean–and I did take it in the spirit offered 🙂 –but in my experience it’s the people most seriously dedicated to their beliefs (cultural, culinary or religious) that can sometimes be most tender about unintended offenses. Not my sort of territory, if I can help it, so I’m happy to make a tiny change. There are plenty of opportunities for being inappropriate in less potentially damaging ways! My vegetarian sister can vouch for me on that! 😉
Oh, that looks like a delicious dinner. I love the look of the mushrooms with the pork – it’s glistening!
Thank you, O Spicy One. If you come by when it’s on the table, happy to share! Just so you know, anything glistening on my table is likely to be made so with the aid of massive amounts of butter. 🙂
For me the preferences would be more beyond sweetness, fat and umami. Salty, sour and sometimes bitterness are something that I crave for. But yes umami, it should always be there.
I adore salty and sour too, they’re just one millimeter below the sweet-fat-umami kings!
I wish I wish that calories did’t count on a Tuesday as it could then become Foodie and Indulgence Tuesday.
What a pity that there are any restrictions on what we can eat or at least in what quantities! I’m afraid I tend to ignore the restrictions more often than not. Life is short no matter what! 🙂
Labne, labneh. I just call it yogurt cheese and avoid the matter altogether. And I prefer my mysteries wrapped in bacon. I think I’m allergic to enigmas.
Bacon: fat, umami, salt. No disagreement from here on that one! Just in case you were worrying about it, I didn’t misspell enigma, so I wasn’t referring to high colonic-related adventures–something I’d be SERIOUSLY allergic to myself. It’s definitely a different sort of mystery that appeals to me. 😉
I love this post! I love your writing! And is that ‘labne’ from a past post of yours??
It might well have been. I’m good at repeating myself! 🙂 Glad you enjoyed it anyway!
We all fall from grace now & then, I suppose…
I have Frequent Faller Miles. 😉
I found your (parenthetical) fourth and fifth sentences particularly funny. That may say something about where my mind wanders.
Maybe I should ask your wife. 😉