They Don’t Make Western Movies Like They Used to Make ‘Em . . .



pen & ink

The End.

Those Big Death Scenes in Westerns

The slinger slung his monstrous gun

out of its well-oiled holster

she tried to dart from the couch and run,

but he shot her through the bolster.

She tried to duck his second shot

and they got into a tussle—

it didn’t help her cause a lot:

he shot her in the bustle.

She staggered around; began to totter;

still the gunslinger came

relentlessly on and at last he got her—

right in the final frame.

pen & ink

Even though a cowboy’s socks can pretty much stand up on their own . . .

Something’s Afoot at the Fort

A Texas Ranger lost his boot

And all of us can feel

His pain at losing shaft and spur

And being down-at-heel

Without the custom stitching and

Tooled silver on the toe,

The steel shank inset and the vamp—

Where is a man to go

To get re-shod so perfectly

In style with stuff that wears

Like his cast-iron skillet, by

A boot-maker who cares

As deeply as the Ranger does

For quality and class?

I only hope the Ranger knows

That this pain, too, shall pass,

For down the street the Ponder shop

Has crocodile skin

And hand-tooled leather of all kinds

To tuck his tired hooves in,

And like a human’s farrier,

Will shoe him with perfection

In custom boots as soon as he

Gallops in that direction,

So go on, Texas Ranger, sir,

Get in and order boots

To save your poor hooves from their loss

In any style that suits,

From ostrich up to diamondback,

From white to black as soot,

And classy as a Cadillac

You wear upon your foot

pen & ink

Nothing can compare to the perfect boot . . .

18 thoughts on “They Don’t Make Western Movies Like They Used to Make ‘Em . . .

  1. I have been in the desert and needed to come quench my thirst, sweet Kathryn. And as well as the thirst quenching, I got a laugh. Now, I shall go shed a tear for that dear, departed bustle. Well done!

    • I’ve still never owned such a pair of boots myself, but I’ve at least had the privilege of exploring the real-life Ponder Boot Co. store, which is inspiring to say the least!

  2. Such a fun post, Kathryn. The poor dear. Neither bolster nor bustle could protect her from that gunslinger. He was obviously cut from a different cloth than was the favorite gunslinger of my boyhood, Yosemite Sam. As for the boots, well, to each his own. 🙂

    • Say, have you ever considered growing out that dashing ‘stache in your Gravatar image for a Yosemite Sam one??? Oh, it’d probably be too inhibiting of the proper eating of good saucy pastas! Not worth the risk.

      My only boots at present are a pair that look like a hybrid of combat boots and wing tips (!) that I bought in the snow of Sweden and used for years after in Edmonton’s minus-40s whiteouts, and a second pair, of silly polka-dotted gumboots for gardening wear. Very stylish, I am.

      • Oh, Kathryn. I must come clean. My ‘stache and I parted company last July. It’s only the 3rd time since high school graduation that I’ve done so but this time it’s for keeps. Better to do it now before someone confuses me with Wilford Brimley. I guess it’s time to update the avatar.

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