Regular visitors here know that I’m about as far from perfect in my skills and know-how about practically anything in the humanly possible realm as the average Jane, if not farther. In the kitchen, especially, I am prone to go overboard with my inventions and experiments, and sometimes it takes some serious triage, revision, and reparations before I can set out what is a reasonably respectable meal. But you frequent-flyer readers here also know that I am near enough to omnivorousness, not to mention almost perpetually hungry, that my lack of chef skills and culinary brilliance are not entirely a stay to my possibly eating myself into an early grave no matter what it is I’ve concocted. If it smells reasonably pleasant and has an intriguing texture, and it isn’t outright toxic, I might well eat it anyhow.

Which can be problematic, if what I’m concocting isn’t meant to be food.

I may have called them ‘cakes,’ but these trash-deodorizers were not made to look too pretty, since their main ingredients are at least nominally edible: baking soda, coffee grounds, and almond essence. They smell rather good, in fact; but since they still look a little like lumpy bricks of kitty litter, I’m not too worried I’ll just pick one up and start snacking on it.

I try not to use potentially dangerous ingredients when I’m making home remedies for any kind of thing, whether they’re to be ingested or put on a body or not actually intended to come into close contact at all—say, something made to clean windows or fertilize potted plants, take stains out of my clothes or attach objects to art projects. If I’m to use such materials or introduce them into my environment, I don’t want to spend time, money, and energy on any stuff that will make me or anybody else feel unwell or will poison the general environment in the long run.

The super-rich skin emollient I made for treating unusually dry skin—especially on feet, but on hands, elbows, and knees, as well as any abraded or burned, scarred, or irritated skin—last week is an excellent case in point. Wanting it to be clean, safe, and pleasant to ‘wear’ in the long term, since it was intended to stay at work on the skin for hours at a time, I used very pure natural ingredients, and, as it happens, all ones that are safe to ingest as well. I’ve decided perhaps I ought to add at least one ingredient that isn’t edible, because it smells so delicious to me that if I’m not careful I’ll probably consider eating it by the handful out of the jar, and besides being fairly awful for my health (being 100% lovely fats), it’d be a lot of expensive skin care gone in an eyeblink. I think I might be telling you all of this as a safety valve, to keep myself from doing anything quite so foolish and drastic.

But if some total stranger sneaks up and tries to lick my delicious smelling and wonderfully soft elbows, I suppose I couldn’t blame them. I’ll just have to be vigilant, I guess.

So smooth, so rich, so ridiculously delicious smelling! But don’t. Really. Just…don’t.

Good-Enough-to-Eat Skin Treatment

1/4 cup shea butter
1/4 cup beeswax
1/2 cup cocoa butter
1/2 cup coconut oil

Melt these fabulous ingredients together and blend thoroughly. Cool until softly set. Use a small amount on rough or irritated skin, and when possible, protect the treated skin with soft cloth (knit cotton socks, shirt, gloves, etc.) until the emollient is fully absorbed. Repeat as needed. Keeping the treated area covered until this wonderful mixture is absorbed can’t guarantee successful treatment, but it may help to discourage you and others from licking the balm off of your knees before it can have any positive external effects. Internal use is your own problem entirely and may require further intervention than I am prepared to offer.

Step *away* from the utensils! Put down the spoon! Just say no to eating skin emollients, no matter how swell they smell.