An Appreciation of Weirdlyositudinousness

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Just so's you know . . .

Regardless of my plot to reinvent the universe according to my own freaky whims when it comes to drawing and other arts, I must point out to you that I am well aware of how much strange and seemingly impossible stuff actually exists in this humble earthly plane of ours. You can’t go far without bumping into a whole stream of rather psychedelic objects, creatures and characters that are, surprisingly enough, naturally occurring right here in this very galaxy. Texans, for example. Just kidding! Sort of. Having become one of those myself, I think I can say with some confidence that there are plenty of highly distinctive and possibly counterintuitive variations on the human beast alone in this great state.

But only truly exceptional people merit the title of seriously weird (for good or ill) in the way that the beasts of the earth, air and seas are sometimes able to do. I mean, let’s just think about the platypus, the blobfish, or the echidna, for example. Really? For what grand purpose were these wonderfully eccentric creatures essential? I’m unclear on what special niche any of them fills in the universal order of things, but their very seeming uselessness only adds to the charm. We don’t have to have a higher meaning in the galaxy?? YAY! I’m off the hook for that one, anyway. And yes, I do happen to think myself a shade more [potentially] useful in the overall scheme of things than a banana slug or a star-nosed mole. I realize that that’s strictly egotism on my part, but it gets me out of bed in the morning.

All I’m really saying is that if I happen to be on an invention bender with my artwork for any reason and the invention gears are getting a little less willing for a moment, I need look no further than to the amplitude of Mother Nature‘s treasury to find real-life inspirations. Not that I won’t still impose my own mutations and deviations on them when it comes to using any real-life sources as well. After all, I am ruler and creator in my own tiny universe as artist, so I believe I’m allowed that slack. Whether drawing or painting or photographing, let alone making my images verbally, I am happy to have the freedom to make what I want to make, and then make it do what I want it to do.

Since I can’t make it rain in north Texas merely by wishing it so, can’t make my bank account suddenly burst at the seams with excess inventory or make myself into The Grooviest Woman in the World by mere force of desire, why then I will impose my invention on the world of my imagery and exert my power there. ‘Least until I can come up with a way to get that other stuff going.

digital photocollage

Let's see, what shall I do in my personal universe today?

Raised by Dogs

 

graphite drawing

Who’s looking after whom?

Some people might say I was Raised by Wolves. Insiders say, in a cheerier tone, that I was Raised by Wolds. The strange truth is that, though I have lived my entire life thus far without having “owned” a pet since my late lamented goldfish, I have been nurtured throughout my years by various cats and dogs.

There was that one goldfish, true: Patrick Richard. What, you don’t think that’s the most obvious and logical name for a goldfish evah?? Suffice it to say that the fish was simply named after the school friend who bestowed it on me. I’m pretty sure I must have had a crush on him, the boy I mean, to have named a fish such a thing, but then I was never the most conventional of children. Perhaps the whole goldfish episode was simply precursor to my much later fish-and-pencils phase of artworks. In any event, Patrick Richard had a rather short career as my pet and might be presumed to have expired of overindulgence, since if I recall correctly he grew quite large quite quickly until the day when I came home from school and his ample orange belly was topside-up. I gave him a simple and dignified burial out behind the house that evening, the funeral if any somewhat truncated by my bare foot landing on a slug out there in the dusk, prompting a quick dash back into the house. I don’t think I went back out and erected a monument or anything.

The companion animals that played larger (and generally longer) roles in my life belonged, then, to others. It mayn’t have prevented me from forming attachments, but I suppose I don’t have the same deeply familial link with them that I would have had I taken full responsibility for the animals’ well being.

When I was still in the midst of grade school, it was the semi-rural setting where we lived that provided the most constant access to “pets” of this sort. There were always pastures within a quick walk from home, where I could linger at the fence and feed grass or fallen apples to the horses and cows that would come over for a friendly trade of nuzzling and scratching. Some pastures were particularly close: when we moved back to western Washington from Illinois and I was about twelve, we lived for a while in an old parsonage that sat between the older chapel and a modest and uneven pasture where a shaggy little pony kept company with a handful of grazing cattle. One morning when Dad was getting ready to head over to work, he came into the kitchen and there on the back stoop, gazing in the window curiously, was the enormous bull, who had escaped from next door. Apparently he thought a cup of coffee and a bowl of cereal would be preferable to puddle water and a salad of pasture greens.

All of this was good company, and very pastoral indeed.

Cats around there were primarily those accustomed to keeping down the rodent population and reminding the dogs of their place in the hierarchy of the universe. Dogs, those were decidedly the most individualistic and interactive of the beasts around my neighborhood(s) as I grew.

The first dog of importance in my little life was undoubtedly my cousin’s funny little cockapoo Raskal. He was among the first in what would become a designer-dog race, very possibly because his sire and dam had no clue about pedigrees and just did what comes naturally to any self-respecting dog. But since Raskal arrived before anyone had ever heard of the phrase “puppy mill” or worried much about the genetic time-bombs in designer breeds, I think he was designed by Mother Nature strictly to be a truly fun play companion and to think of life as one big exciting adventure after another. When he wasn’t too busy being passed around from one admirer to another for his extreme cuteness and friendliness, he was very willing to work hard at attempting to “dig out” any kid that happened to be trapped in the impenetrable prison of a closed sleeping bag, or to romp off on all sorts of mini-adventures, his body trembling with happiness and his curly blond coat rippling like he was on fire. His was a short tenure on earth: driven by his (aptly named) rambunctious energy, one day he dashed up over a blind hill and right under a car when we kids were once again all on an outing being led with aimless and artless abandon by his lightning-bolt zipping. But in that too-short life he still managed to imprint himself and his boundless good cheer and infinite thirst for play on all of us. He was surely a better teacher and good influence than a whole lot of sober grownups can be!

Another in my pantheon of Great Dogs was the next-door neighbors’ Dutchess (their spelling, not mine–is there a theme of distinctive spellings among my dog friends?). She did indeed have a certain regal aloofness. As a half-coyote mix (again with the pioneering hybrids), she expressed her royalty with either disdainful avoidance or, more likely, with a couple of sharp barks and a good growl or two, when anyone approached the property. I was traditionally rather over-cautious around dogs myself, having been knocked over and winded when small by a not-so-small farm dog that seemed to be considering whether I would be tasty or not when my parents retrieved me. So when I met Dutchess, and for some time thereafter, I took my time about getting very close. But I think she appreciated my deference, because after I babysat at her house (for her young human charges) a time or two she seemed to decide that I was acceptable and even became rather kindly toward me and a little bit protective of me if I happened to come by with anybody else in sight. It wouldn’t by any measure be considered a close and cuddly and playful relationship, but the fact that this rather fierce and solitary little creature treated me as accepted and respected company and even let me stroke her thick coyote fur collar meant a great deal to the person I was at that age, another somewhat solitary soul.

On the other side of our house were the neighbors whose dog Tar was the polar opposite of Dutchess, the local extrovert, the neighborhood captain of entertainment. He was still clearly not a pampered and sheltered purebred, either in looks or personality. I would guess at this great remove of years that he probably had a bit of long-haired German Shepherd in his multifarious lineage. He was really a very beautiful dog, a bit smaller than a typical shepherd and slightly more compact, less lanky. But just the right size for hugging, and covered with a long, thick, gorgeous tar-black coat.

Tar was easy to anthropomorphize. He seemed to have just as much the mischievous and play-hungry attitudes as all of the neighborhood kids had, and an egalitarian willingness to embark on any expedition with any of us, whether with him in the lead or being allowed to trail alongside. He couldn’t resist hunting, and was mostly welcome to do so around there, where at the time the street was only half built-up, still checkered with weedy, tall-grassy empty lots, and dead-ended by a beautiful little woodland of Douglas firs and salal and ferns. Tar didn’t know the difference, of course, between a mole and a small kitten, but he could hardly be faulted for that; so as long as the folk around kept the kitties indoors, we were at the same time kept mercifully molehill-free. Being as inquisitive as any dog, Tar did have a few run-ins, not least of all with the toad he caught that left him running around foaming like a punctured beer can for a short while.

His worst run-in, though, could be said to be with his otherwise kind owners and the annual summer haircut to which they subjected him (known to us as the “lawnmower” haircut) that left him looking like a black sheep clipped by a woefully inebriated shearer. We felt deeply sorry for him; he was painfully aware of being stripped of his accustomed handsomeness and would immediately set to work to deliberately do some forbidden thing right in front of anyone so that they would scold and banish him and he could go hide and nurse his shame in private for a little while. After a short period of growing out the offending haircut, however, he would return to his sanguine equanimity and rejoin the forces of the street’s youthful denizens at play.

Tar was an able guard dog when we were fort-building in the woods, keeping unwanted squirrels and crows at bay. He was a great exercise coach, leading us on loping, leaping bounces through the waist-high grasses in the vacant lots–and also our watcher lest any of us come unexpectedly upon one of those Timmy’s-in-the-well-sized holes dug in them to test water table levels before a build. Pity any of the kids that came along too late in the neighborhood development process to watch Tar pronking his way across a vacant lot with exuberant abandon. He was truly the very picture of living fully in the moment.

I still enjoy the company of a well-behaved and friendly dog so much that if my life weren’t so overfilled with other enjoyable company and activity I would undoubtedly succumb to canine charm and adopt such a companion after all. I am grateful to have a number of friends with sufficiently delightful beastly members of the household–dog, cat and otherwise–to keep me from mourning the vacuum (or more likely, the need to vacuum much more frequently) occasioned by lack of a dog or cat or small wildebeest keeping us company in our house. After all, it’s through others that I’ve always had the pleasure of meeting and being befriended by great animal companions.

Makes me wag my tail with happiness.

graphite drawing

One should have as many Best Friends as possible in life . . .

Happiness may be Ephemeral, but It’s Sure Worth the Effort

Jack Benny portrait

We-e-e-ll! I'll just have to think about that for a bit . . .

People from all over the world have been sending Happy Birthday messages to our house today, not randomly mind you, but because my life-partner-in-crime is–I’m not making this up–commemorating his birthday on this very date. Hard to believe he isn’t simply frozen in time, if you have seen the guy or met him, he not only looks younger than he is but thinks and acts with a decidedly youthful joie de vivre.

Unlike the late, great Jack Benny, my spouse has no desire or need to perpetually revisit his thirty-ninth birthday. With Mr. Benny, granted, it was an amusing ongoing joke from a man playing a parody of himself as a vain, self-centered cheapskate and a wildly deluded hipster-wannabe. And the joke only worked so well with him because he was widely known not to be any of those things in real life. Biographical tales of the real person Benjamin Kubelsky grew up to be make it clear he was genuinely charming and talented and worked with remarkable dedication to achieve the appearance of a lazy, egotistical and rather hapless fool constantly stymied and bettered by others and the world in general and utterly mystified by it all. Central to his concept of being a performer was that it was his responsibility to offer top-flight entertainment for his audience, and if that meant giving all of the laughs to the other actors at his expense, or featuring musical guests with a high profile on his programs while lampooning his own quite skilled violin playing, he was more than content to do so, and always the first to applaud them with genuine admiration.

Not surprising that such a man would be remembered by so many with such deep and enduring affection, nor that despite any dated references and lack of stylistic currency, his comedy when heard and seen nowadays still has such resonance.

There is a small truth that I must own for the sake of full disclosure: my grandfather looked and acted a lot like Jack Benny. While Mr. Benny died when I was still relatively young, and even more so for that matter did Grandpa, the television program was still being regularly broadcast far enough into my youth to be imprinted on my memory distinctly, and seemed quite often an echo of my own Grandpa’s sly and selfless sense of hilarity; coupled with a slight physical resemblance between the two, this means that watching the Jack Benny program can be a little like watching (unusually well-produced) home movies of my grandfather. Most distinctly, the many times I saw each of those long-gone delightful men falling to pieces with laughter, usually at someone else’s witticisms or clever moves, made me conflate them somewhat in memory. And I knew that for both, it was an innate sense of urgency in pursuing the joy that was floating right around them that drove the amazing commitment to seeing, feeling and creating happiness.

An utterly different approach from that of my grandma. Granny honed her joy-craft willfully and out of necessity, with not much more in the way of a starter kit of ingredients and tools handed to her than a bit of protective sisterly love and her own power and imagination. Her childhood and youth were colored by parenting that evidently ranged from neglectful to grotesquely abusive at times, and she certainly had neither wealth nor fairy godmother nor any other great advantage to bail her out of that, but as her adoring grandchild I never saw the remotest hint of any of that. What I saw was a woman with a rich capacity for laughter and love and endless patience for showering her grandchildren with massive doses of both. She not only pulled herself through her early years on her own strength but became a lifelong expert at choosing happiness and knowing how to conjure it into existence, seeking the right people to populate her life, situations in which to immerse herself, and the wisdom and determination to see the good in all. The result, as I lived in it, was an extended family touched at every point by Granny’s warmth and playfulness and delight in laughter and happiness. How can anyone not fall in love with that?

No mystery, then, that I would not settle for anything less in a lifelong love partnership than another expert in seeking and making happiness everywhere he goes. It’s a distinct part of how he manages to come across as younger than not only his chronological years but the experiences he’s lived and, sometimes, weathered along the way. This man was gifted from birth with great parenting and a happy childhood and youth alongside a terrific brother, so he could be said to have gotten a better natural foundation than my grandmother’s ever was–but like most people, he’s seen his share of hard work and emotional trials and certainly, some wrenching losses. Those may be par for the course: everyone is affected at various points in life by unwelcome troubles and certainly by the disasters around him and the deaths of people close to him. What’s not so common is the ability and will to deal as graciously and sensibly as one can with life’s inevitable blows. It’s this skill and art–born, bred and cultivated–that make him a distinctively wonderful person who manages to build an atmosphere of contentment and positive outlook around him.

It’s what makes him see the world with a rather forgiving skew yet one that knows only a sense of humor will pull him through and out of any undesired mire. Better laugh than cry, any time! Needless to say, he makes me smile; he makes me laugh. He’s not going to be switching to a career as a stand-up comedian anytime soon (and neither of us can remember a joke from one end to the other) but he sees the funny side of so much, and just the sight of that unaffected smile, those blue eyes scrunched up with a mischievous twinkle, the sound of that musical laugh–can brighten the dullest or darkest moment instantly. I can think of a whole lot of other things to like and love about my husband, but on his birthday I can say with great conviction that his ability to bring happiness to me and many other people around him is one of the things I appreciate the most.

There was no fancy party to celebrate the occasion of this birthday. Scrambled eggs for dinner, a little dish of homemade vanilla ice cream later in lieu of any glamorous festive dessert. Quiet time doing some work to prepare for tomorrow’s various jobs and tasks. Sitting together later in the TV room watching some pre-recorded stuff and just reaching over occasionally to hold hands and smirk at each other like teenagers, because it still amazes and amuses us to have found each other and be having such a truly happy life. Only takes a very little bit of effort along the way, and what a marvelous byproduct real happiness is. So, fancy or no, without any cake and candles or fussy doings of any sort, kind of an ordinary day of work and busyness, but in the end, I think I can say without fear of contradiction, a really Happy Birthday.

May there be many more!

Seen through Stained Glass

skyscape painting + glory hole digital art

From the glorious inferno, a supercooled liquid . . .

Glass Passages

Strange enough that someone saw at hand,

amid a million million grains of sand,

the only water truly born of fire–

that clarity, deep brilliant light and flow,

refractory and sharp and sweet, desire

that stops in time complete and whole, as though

to freeze all thought and memory and time–

and then took flame to capture its sublime

pure rectitude and stillness; who could know

the alchemy that could and would be wrought

by taming elements to strengthen, stain

and shape anew the crystal, blazing hot

sand silicates and yet somehow retain

such potency, such power that a strand

of history would through it then be drawn

to tell the stories, made so much more grand

in glass by tying evening back to dawn,

and in the light transmitted through that glass,

commemorate the ages as they pass.

saints' portraits

Sources of inspiration can appear even in places where simple and ordinary beings are able to find them. Sometimes it just takes a particular window--or even a mirror--to make it possible . . .

 

The Kids are So Much Better than “Alright”

blue-themed animals digital collage

Surrounded by magical beings . . .

I’m just going to come out of the nerd closet and say, before anybody pounces on me, that I put “alright” in [actual, not the dreaded air-] quotes because, while I may like taking advantage of the musical and/or filmic references of today’s post title, I still live in the camp that says “alright” is not a real word. I am happy to muck about in very sloppy and neologistic nattering when it suits me, but “alright” gives me the same creeps as hearing otherwise very intelligent people say “noo-kyoo-lurr” and “litticher”. I am perfectly capable of making typos and thinking sloppy and inaccurate thoughts, yes I most decidedly am, but I really prefer to make my linguistic slips and slithers purposefully, or at least with an entertainingly Freudian twist.

But jeepers! That isn’t even my topic today, so correct my English if you wish but meanwhile follow me hither to the intended point of this post, if you please.

What I lay thinking about before and after last night’s sleep was how wildly improbable it is for a willingly childless person to live surrounded by fabulous children that, in turn, evolve into astonishingly great human beings and adults and even parents of their own fabulous children. Improbable, but true, and incredibly satisfying. And without the high quotidian costs inherent in direct parenting!

I’ve gotten to participate, and in my tiny way, to assist with the survival through youth that a few favorite students of mine aced during my couple of decades in the trenches of higher education. I’ve been a joyful beneficiary of sharing in the lives of some stellar kids parented by our many dear friends. Best of all, I get to haul out the brag book and coo over a single-and-singular niece and nine amazing nephews, all ten of them people I’m proud to have even met, never mind my being able to claim any affiliation with them. This is not to say that I am an exemplary teacher or mega-cool friend-of-Mom-and-Dad’s, and certainly not that I am remotely  like a Super Auntie. That honorific remains firmly lettered on the diadems of my own aunts and of my three sisters, who have much more polished skills and talents when it comes to that. And clearly, having chosen to keep my child nurturing to the second remove, I will never claim to be a mother, a form of sainthood and heroism I will always admire in its best iterations (i.e., my own mother and child-raising sisters and their rarefied company) but without wishing to emulate. I bow to them all in genuine homage and gratitude.

Me, I just got seriously lucky. And I’m aware of it, so sincerest Thanks all ’round!

What I get out of this uneven bargain is a starry firmament of uniquely beautiful human beings over whom I can marvel constantly and in whose shade I am pleased to rest. Our niece and nephews are, to a person, charming and wise and clever and kind and, oh, outlandishly good-looking, too. Handy that not only our brother and sisters but the terrific partners they chose are all such good genetic and parental material, eh? Among the next generation are scholars and athletes, policy wonks and writers, chefs, nurses, technology experts and outdoorsmen, teachers, artists, musicians, gardeners, and not surprisingly I suppose, wonderful parents, aunts and uncles as well. Yes, being as ancient as I am, I now have three fabulous great-nieces and one stupendous great-nephew (apparently the skew is changing). So the undeserved flow of familial greatness continues to sail me along on my merry way.

The great reassurance in all of this is that no matter how messy and inexplicable and dark the world in general may look at times, there are these bright lights shining through it all, bringing the frustrations and complications into a calmer and more graceful perspective, and moving it forward sweetly into the next generation. And the next after that. With art and expertise and muscle and good medicine, with hope and hilarity in magnificently large doses. Youth may be ephemeral in and of itself, but the gifts of youth are potent, persuasive and pervasive. That’s a mighty fine thing, and I for one am immensely grateful to see this at work in those near and very dear to me.

For Overgrown Children Everywhere

fish photo

Not to be two koi about it . . .

As there’s a remote possibility you have been otherwise occupied with counting the holes in the ceiling tiles while I was previously presenting you with irrefutable mountains of evidence (not that I have ANY knowledge of such off-topic pursuits myself), I will just state plainly and without prejudice and for the record that I am a little kid in semi-adult clothing. If you have a problem with that, I certainly don’t know what you’re doing here, of all places. But I suspect that the majority of us over-twenties simply come to terms with a similar internal détente at some point after realizing that (a) being grown up is highly overrated and (2) as long as we can at least put on the guise of behaving in an appropriately adult manner when absolutely necessary, it is in fact quite pleasant, if not desirable, to indulge the inner infant as much as we’re able.

That’s why so much of my art and writing are full of lowbrow hijinks and saturated in silliness. So today, I give you a brief picture-book with a storyline that can pander to those too deeply entrenched in their maturity to admit to liking such things (but only, perhaps, having a reasonably stretchy imagination that can drag this tale into meta-meaning-infested waters) but is really designed simply to attract with pictures of fun creatures and a caption-fed miniature narrative. I leave it to you to fill in the blanks with enough buttercream icing and expanding lightweight spackle to suit your particular tastes or needs. Without being too coy about it, I hope.

crappie photo

. . . but I've had a crappie day . . .

insect photo

. . . so don't bug me about it, okay?

bug exoskeleton photos

Death and disintegration will come to all of us eventually . . .

chicken photo + mixed media. . . so I guess there’s no point in being a big chicken about it.

lambs photo

Yes! Cheer up, my lambs, and quit your woolgathering . . .

moth and maple seed photos

. . . something new and exciting will come along soon enough!

Memory Palaces

Egyptian carvings + antiques + text

In these quiet moments, in these ancient places . . .

The mind is a miraculous thing. The playground of invention and the laboratory of creativity, the throne of wisdom–if one’s fortunate enough–and yes, the mind houses most of what comprises our whole sense of self, of identity. It is also the storehouse for that matchless tool and gift: memory. There’s the deeply buried sort of memory that is expressed mainly as those autonomic controls and intuitive responses that keep our complex biological machinery running as well as possible at all times, waking and sleeping. There’s that incredibly purposeful (but often tiresome to develop) form of memory that we’re required to hone by the hard work and repetition of study and learning. Indeed, those labors that make most of us crotchety about going to school despite our greatest yearning for the reward of that new-fixed memory and our deepest hopes that it will last.

There’s the sort of memory that transcends individuality and lingers in those places where it came to be. I love to visit others’ memories not just vicariously as they tell tales or teach me of the past but, most especially, when I can take them in through membranes of the spirit, thus: touching an antique piece of furniture and feeling in its burnished grain the passage of every hand that came before my hand; standing in the stained-glass filtered sunlight pouring through a venerable space and feeling the ghosts of history sifting down on me like glittering atomic dust. Most deeply, when I can stand in the places of the ancients knowing in my bones that I connect this way to every one that’s passed before.

And there’s the beautiful, elusive and elastic sort of memory that has the most affinity with creativity and invention and play. It’s the place where the method of loci, or the building of memory palaces, enables those mental competitors that enter memory championships, to erect storage for their knowledge in structures that to ordinary persons might seem astounding and nearly unimaginable in their detail and delicacy and, at the same time, strength. It’s the wonderful seat of those marvelous incidental and accidental memory palaces that despite our lack of practice and training we non-competitors manage to build where our fearful or fondly held sentiments and reminiscences and remembrance of things past can hallow our haunt our dreams, with or without requiring tea-soaked madeleines.

These are the palaces whose halls I wander when in search of things I fear I’ve lost, timidly though I may tread. They are the temples where I look for long-ago learned wisdom, past moments of renewal and respite, and lessons learned that lead me hopefully into the days to come. Most of all, my stately edifice is built to offer shelter to those most treasured of my memories, the parts of the past I want to revisit not from need or for desperation at things I’ve thought destroyed, but for the purest joy and pleasure of basking in their wonders not just on the day when they and I first met, but over and over and over again. That, for me, is the sweetest of those royal gifts bestowed on me whenever I am fortunate to enter in the palaces of memory.

Sound Advice for the Voiceless

watercolor birds x 2

Singing our little hearts out . . .

I have spoken about having Spasmodic Dysphonia. That in itself, when in the aural forum and not (as in yesterday’s blog post) just the printed format of the internet, is a fine thing in my estimation. It means that having SD hasn’t rendered me either mute or unwilling to let my sometimes goofy sounding voice be heard. It could conceivably be argued that it would be good if I would actually shut up occasionally, or at least not be quite so outlandishly talkative as I can get. I consider that other people’s problem. Egotistical, I know, and I’m not really exaggerating when I say that. What you hear is what you get.

Being fortunate enough to retain the power of speech, I prefer not to stop using it. SD has meant getting over any vanity I may have had about the sound or quality of my voice. Having been flattered by many in my younger years as a strong and clear and pleasant speaker and encouraged to take singing lessons, to consider radio work, to be a lector and to speak at public events, I now have a different sense of my voice and what I do and don’t trust it to do than I did then.

So I find it less comfortable both physically and psychologically to sing, and certainly have no desire to show off my resulting lack of confidence and practice publicly. I was always a nervous Nellie when it came to singing in any group smaller than a chamber choir (Yikes! Someone might hear me!), but even singing along with a crowd is not the same fun it once was. It has in no way diminished my delight in hearing others sing, however; quite the contrary, it transformed my understanding of what it means to be able to sing, and to do so with skill and fluidity and grace. Working on proper vocal technique will help me continue being able to speak, but my own sense of music has been shifted rather firmly into listening to and appreciating and being moved by others’ mastery of their instruments. My own musical endeavor now sits much more comfortably in the realm of written and spoken language and of trying to capture the marvels of rhythm and pattern and color and sound in the confined refinements of print and speech. The potential is perhaps equally profound and potent, but simply takes an entirely different route through the senses in some significant ways.

Just to be crystal clear on this, I say this without any sense of loss or privation. I’m not suffering! Indeed, I consider myself incredibly fortunate. I’m neither summarized by nor limited to a description of my anomalies any more than I am defined by the ways in which I conform to any norms. SD is something I have or experience, not who I am or what I’m capable of doing. I could go through the list of potentially problematic quirks that help to shape my daily experience and my present self and sound like either a professional victim or a hypochondriac, or I can find–as I most decidedly do–that while each of those oddities has enough effect on my health and capabilities to be worthy of treatment or accommodation of some sort, each brings awareness of deeper gifts and the drive to overcome not only the irksome ills themselves but anything else I might be letting hold me back.

Yes, I am a lily-livered scaredy-pants of the first order as well as a lollygagging and procrastinating and self-sabotaging ignoramus, able to match pretty much any other arguably normal person around in those foolish and unhealthy arts. But at the same time I am so gifted as to understand that my true limitations are all self-imposed and even self-created, and that not only do people with far greater difficulties and far fewer resources live far more impressive and productive lives than I, I can grow up and into a better version of myself by taking notes on how they do it. Being a somewhat lazy and under-motivated student, I have to actively counter the urge to hide behind the couch until all inspirations and moments of willing effort pass, but on certain miraculous occasions I find that, well, I actually get up and do something.

When I do manage to pull myself up by my nearly invisible bootstraps, I find that despite having familial tremor (mainly in my hands) since who-knows-when, I can draw a straight line or a pretty fine freehand circle when I’m focused enough to make art. When I’m not, I have learned to hold my drinking glass with both hands if need be, or to keep kettle and bowl nearly overlapping when ladling soup. When all else fails, spill cloths and laundry detergent are mighty handy things. I may chill easily, thanks to my slightly off-kilter thyroid, but I’ve got layered-clothing styles down to a -40 Edmontonian nine-layer art form that I can still pack in my carry-on baggage. Wanna learn how to do nearly any basic survival task without an inner compass? I have virtually every dyslexic and perceptually dysfunctional talent I’ve ever heard tell of, from the ever popular reading-related visual chaos to spatial, directional, numerical and probably even temporal displacement. So without even knowing or trying to do it, I learned most of the affected skills upside down, backwards and sideways, doing everything with my own inevitably inimitable flair. Once I started treatment for them, my clinical depression and anxiety stopped holding me back and instead informed more of my interaction with other people as well as with my art. My lack of physical stamina and athleticism may have prevented my becoming a famous basketball player or dancer or a three-meter platform diving star, but I figured out early that leverage and a little logical logistical ingenuity could make up for a largish quantity of strength and skill in things physically challenging. Blazing alternative trails isn’t glamorous work but it’s done useful things in my life, and gives me an appreciative slant on those whose achievements outshine mine.

And when it comes right down to it, my ‘substitute’ versions of reality have served me quite nicely. I don’t sing in the way of the magnificent-voiced soloists and choral artists whose offerings have so richly embellished my existence, but there’s nothing stopping me from using the alternate voice I have in words and images to sing in my own way, and mainly for sheer happiness.

spring green flora + text

There are so many ways — and so many reasons — to sing . . .

The Sound that Defeats Death

It is audition season. Living surrounded by musicians of all the possible performing and conducting and recording and just-because-I-can’t-help-it permutations, I am aware of the slight change in barometric pressure that in turn sets hearts and metronomes aflutter at this time of year. It’s connected to the academic calendar, to the symphonic season, and undoubtedly at this point in history, to the fiscal cycles that wax ever more weakly with every palpitation of the stock market and downgrade of company pension plans. The undercurrent of electric excitement and the frissons of impending artistic adventure so intertwined with the notion that one is about to embark on a new, or renewed, relationship–or is about to gird oneself in black bombazine and the hair-shirt vestments of the rejected–is giddying and tooth-chatteringly awful all at once.

How apropos that I find myself interviewing for new employment at this very time. I feel every bit the whispery, under-powered and imperfectly skilled performer when singled out for that one-on-one moment with the deities of HR. I want to open my mouth and hear sparkling coloratura, but am glad and relieved enough at being able to merely cough out a modestly coherent thought without accidentally spitting on the interviewer, falling off of my chair, or (the most likely misadventure in my repertoire) having my voice seize up on me and stop dead mid-word. I have Spasmodic Dysphonia. The term sounds both ominous and ridiculous, and in my life, the experience is both. Many people with SD have a far worse time than I do; I’m one of the lucky ones. SD is a subset of Focal Dystonia, as I understand it, and both names group together sets of symptoms and physical oddities that present differently in each patient, depending upon the collective group of expressions that person has combined in his or her experience. I use the word patient advisedly, knowing as I do that what is most needed in dealing with the condition, either as one’s own or as it affects another person, is patience. Not really something I was born with an abundance of, but there you have it.

To oversimplify, possibly at the risk of misstating, Focal Dystonia is a broad generic term for when a localized group of nerves stops talking to the muscles for which they’re responsible, or sends them incomplete or inappropriate messages, and the muscles respond by failing to do what the brain was signaling the nerves to tell the muscles to do. Playground chaos ensues. The fingers that used to so nimbly traverse the keyboard curl up into an angry stump and refuse to admit to ever having met this Mr Shostakovich person. [Know the amazing story of Leon Fleisher? Visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leon_Fleisher.%5D The arm that flexed in a perfect imitation of Diana-the-Huntress’s draw goes from sinewy and smoothly controlled elegance to a clenched and twisted limb that would rather drop the bow and go for a nice bit of hydrotherapy, thank you.

Spasmodic Dysphonia, as you’d guess from its title, is the version of neuro-recalcitrance in which the vocal cords or folds don’t get their nerve-transmitted memos correctly and so go off on their own merry tangents, usually by vibrating excessively. The outcome is an uncontrolled voice, a weakened voice, or, literally, no outcome. While many with SD have no apparent causative markers in the neurological system, obvious lesions on the brain, tell-tale medical historical events, or the like, most, like me, do find that certain elements can exacerbate ‘attacks’. My good luck is that my case is fairly mild and I can go for rather long stretches between my times of being worst affected. But like most of the other SD patients I know, any situation that puts stress on my voice increases both the likelihood and the severity of episodes; the longer the stresses last, the more effect they have. So being in a loud reception where I have to raise my voice to be heard for a couple of hours is a pretty good trigger; being in a loud classroom (whether it’s caused by the HVAC blowers or being near a busy airport or just having over-exuberant students) five days a week is definitely a tougher influence to resist.

Being depressed, being ill, going through any of the textbook-irritant life changes you can name: those are all potential villains in effecting recurrence or regression or whatever you like to call it. Since I’m generally a very happy and healthy person and most of the life stressors extant are surmountable with a little help from my circle of superhuman supporters, I’m more susceptible to common noise-environmental twinges than to emotional ones these days.

But sitting in an unfamiliar office in the Interviewee chair is a quick reminder that I have to activate my “manual controls” and not just talk on autopilot when the tension stakes are raised a little bit. If and when SD gets particularly persnickety I will lope back over to my kindly specialist and have Botox injected into my vocal cords. It sounds hideous, doesn’t it. It’s not exactly something I’d do for sheer fun, but it’s not the most gruesome or painful treatment imaginable and it beats the daylights out of having my voice stop unceremoniously on me three times in a single sentence. People that don’t know me very likely notice nothing wrong at all and just assume that I, like William Shatner, have developed my own distinctive style of delivery for artistic or dramatic purposes, but since the frustration of literally not being able to ‘spit it out’ until I regroup, retune and/or start over entirely is accompanied by a feeling of being gripped around the throat by a mugger, I’ll get in there and sit up and beg for the shots like a good little patient until some nice mad scientist discovers an actual cure for SD.

In the meantime, I am all the more cognizant of the plight of all those voice-dependent folk putting their hearts on the line as they stand up to the test these days. Dysphonics, wherever you are and whatever you do, I wrap you in my arms in an embrace of solidarity and hope. Teachers, returning to the classroom after a luxurious (if short and jam-packed with non-academic duties) respite from lecturing and verbally leading daily sessions: I salute you. Preachers faced with a re-filled nave after the relative quiet of the summer season: I will light a candle for you. Public speakers back on the circuit for the height of the season after the relatively fallow holidays of vacation time: I applaud you. And singers, you who transport us to different worlds with every flexion and inflection, to you most of all do I genuinely genuflect. It is the sonic wave of music on which I am borne to higher and deeper planes, transported to places of joy and despair, moved by otherwise indescribable anguish and awe and beauty. I may not sing along, but I am listening.

theatre lights and leaded glass and text

. . . and the echoes fade without ever ceasing . . .

Foodie Tuesday: Leave No Deliciousness Unloved

almond-crusted grapefruit bars

With a tweak-tweak here and a tweak-tweak there . . .

I rarely make any little edible thing without messing around with the recipe (classic or otherwise). And I married a supertaster. Folks, you know what that means. Endless potential drama–dare I say it, a recipe for disaster?

Happily, it means instead tremendous room for growth and creativity on both our parts. I think after fifteen-plus years of togetherness we’ve managed a lot of dandy discoveries. And you know what? We’ve eaten well along the way.

The gift of massive quantities of papillae–tastebuds, those squiggly little fellas that make the mouth sing with salty, sweet, bitter, sour, and umami joy–makes one vulnerable in all of the good and bad ways possible to the information glut those gluttonous sensory detectors are zapping through one’s system. As an ordinary non-supertasting superhero, I find it hard to imagine surviving the experience of having extra helpings of sensation when eating divinely delicious stuff. When food and drink are superlative, it’s already so intensely exciting that I can be overwhelmed and left speechless and limp and hardly able to conceive of the prospect of time itself re-starting. All else falls into shade.

That this can happen not only over a masterfully executed and presented breast of pheasant with chanterelles served over handmade pappardelle in champagne cream but just as well and deeply felt over a tasty tuna salad sandwich is part of the beauty of experiencing food as more than mere physical sustenance.

That the great and the humble have equal power over gustatory happiness means that all of you out there who are under the supertaster spell are even less immune to whatever punch is packed by lunch. No surprise, then, that kids born with an extraordinary supply of papillae are quick to respond with particular strength of feeling, and very often of will, to what is put on their plates and in their little rosebud mouths. The bitterness in cruciferous vegetables is more potent to such an eater than to others and may taste downright poisonous. Sour cream? I don’t think so, Grandma! Aromatics alone can drive a poor supertaster around the bend.

So I’ve got me a guy that in his youth wouldn’t eat eggs unless prepared exactly to his specifications, very possibly because only under those ideal circumstances were the sulfurous undertones of the seemingly dainty egg tolerably controlled to bypass his micro-detectors. Like his father before him (also, I suspect, a supertaster), he is averse to the presence–nay, immune to the charms–of raw or strong onions or garlic, vinegar, grapefruit juice, buttermilk, a multitude of herbs, and ripened cheeses. But being a naturally hungry boy and an enthusiastic appreciator of good food, he learned many ways in which those things can be tamed and massaged into behaving in a friendlier, more mellow manner.

Thus I have a so-called picky eater on my hands, but one who despite his aversion to a wide range of strong sensory aspects of food still adores many kinds of highly flavored cuisines and a number of dishes one mightn’t expect: a long list of Mexican and Indian foods are high on the favorites list, sushi a longed-for treat, and Thai curries like mother’s milk to him. Since we live surrounded by equally hungry friends and family and a wealth of dangerously fabulous cooks, there’s no doubt we will continue to discover both the boundaries or limits of our respective foodly tolerance and the wonders of what lies on the other side when we manage to navigate our way across and over those edges.

Around here, asking what’s for dinner is nothing short of an invitation to examine one’s entire existential paradigm–that of the moment, at least. Excuse me, please. I think I hear the kitchen calling me.

PS–The bar cookies above are almond-crusted grapefruit bars, made simply by taking a favorite lemon bar recipe and substituting pink grapefruit juice for the lemon and almond “flour” (ground almonds) for the wheat flour. My spouse had no interest in them, of course. But our guests and neighbors and I all found them quite tolerable!