“Why, yes, now I can see how much your beautiful daughter takes after her mother,” he stuttered with a hasty glance at the upstairs window. He hoped that he hadn’t started too visibly, what with that drop of ice-cold perspiration suddenly racing down his spine, and was unspeakably grateful that he hadn’t asked “Mister” Warren whether it was permissible to take Elvira to tea, for her obvious attractions were beckoning him still from where she leaned out of the parlor window below.
Category Archives: Stories
Don’t Kowtow to Cowardice
From Farmer Burgess I acquired
A fear unnaturally inspired,
Of eggplant-colored legs and ears
And grape-juice tinted moping tears;
I’ve long since feared becoming plum,
A hue to make a heifer glum,
And so have kept a watchful eye
Lest it occur; suddenly, I–
I saw a purple cow, I think,
Hoped not to be one; in a wink,
I was the most extraordinary
But weep no wine-inflected drops
When you hear cloven clip’ty-clops
As I approach, for I inspired
A soda jerk ere I retired,
And am remembered better now
Penny for My Thoughts
Not to Worry, There’s More in the Bank
Do not despair that I have set low price
Upon my intellect and all its blooms,
Its wild embellishments, creative rooms
Filled full with every possible device
Invention and intelligence can build–
My brilliance shedding dazzling insights far
As light can travel from the largest star–
My memory mansion’s rooms are this far filled,
And yet I charge a pittance, just a cent,
For all the riches I have made to date,
And fling them with abandon, though so great,
Along the curb beneath your pediment.
Why would I cast my wealth thus at your feet?
Like pennies, I am also obsolete.
He Cracked a Wicked Little Smile . . .
Quack Quack, Etc.
There’s nothing adverse
That I throw in the sauce
As I start to rehearse
The demise of the Boss
But as I descend
To the end of the day
It’s more tough to pretend
To be lightsome and gay
When I feel in my marrow
The building of rages
Brought on by the narrow-
Ness by which he gauges
My quest for perfection
In service to him
Whose extreme predilection
For being quite grim
As you guess is a needle
To nag and annoy
Like the high nasal wheedle
Of a self-centered boy
Until something explodes
In the back of my brain
At some one of his goads
And I go quite insane
So I must kill him gladly
By end of the day
And go off quacking madly
As I’m carted away
Blogsistentialism
I’ve got this little problem, see. It’s about my name. No, I am really pleased with the one I was born with–Mom and Dad did a bang-up job with that, as far as I’m concerned. Parents have it easy with the baby-naming stuff; it’s not their fault if the kid doesn’t match up with the moniker, considering that they had no way of knowing the shrimp beforehand to fuss over pairing name and gnome perfectly.
My problem is with my blog title. I’ve winged it with my online place’s birth-name, a version of my own, since I started the gig a little over a year ago, but in truth, it was pretty much a place-holder since I had no inkling then that I’d not only stick with the process but have people beyond the borders of my immediate family visiting with me here. So the problem is, if there’s nothing in the name of my blog to tell anybody outside of the aforementioned familial borders what the heck this blog contains, or why on earth they would have the remotest reason to bother visiting here. If, indeed, they did.
Now, then, I’m having a good old identity crisis. ‘Cause I don’t know what the heck to tell anybody either. On Tuesdays, yeah, you’ll generally find food-related ramblings when you show up. Other days, though, swerve from one topic to another so loosely and with such unpredictable abandon that I don’t know when I sit down at the keyboard what direction I’m bound to take. New drawing? New photograph? Reminiscences about travel, DIY monkeying, garden plotting, commentary on freeway drivers or a freshly minted and wildly ridiculous poem–I just haven’t figured out any sort of way to describe in a couple of words what’s on the non-Tuesday menu around this blog.
I’m open to suggestions. Thanks to my obsessive dilettantism, my spouse suggests that the family nomenclature for me of Short Attention Span Artist might just do the trick, but as accurate as it is in describing me (and probably what I do, too), it still doesn’t seem to me likely to tell a total stranger what to expect on arrival. Tangential adventures like mine could possibly be described as, uh, Tangential Adventures, but of course that’s pretty cryptic too. Art, Poetry, Photography, Essays, and Ingenious Insights combines the pompous and the dully categorical in a way remarkable only for its long-windedness.
I guess I’ll just keep a-sittin’ here in my little corner twirling my ponytail for a while and see if some astounding inspiration happens to alight upon my bedazzled pate. Ooh, Bedazzled Pate! Nahhhh, sounds like some kind of yummy mousse studded with masses of rhinestones. The truly big question remains. Who am I? Doubt that can be answered in this or any other lifetime. But perhaps I’ll figure out my blog’s identity one of these days, at the least. Feel free to help!
The Way It Ought to Be
I’m not what you might think of as a big traditionalist in the ways of romance–at least, if you think of those things packaged in the way that American commercial enterprise would have us think the norm or the appropriate mode. It may be that I’m a little too tomboy at heart and in physique to wear either the girly or the sexy look with any credible panache. There’s more than a small chance that I’m too lazy and cheap to buy cards and flowers for my nearest and dearest with any regularity. Chocolates, yes, but you know that I’m going to expect to share in their consumption. I’m far from selfless enough to be a true romantic either, I guess. Otherwise, around our place the romantic expressions are more often found in filling an empty gas tank, caulking the shower door, making lunch, washing socks. All of that sort of glamorous stuff.
I’m so unromantic in the popular sense, in fact, that despite being both shy and kind of prudish, I moved in with my intended life partner before I married him–yes, before I even warned him of my intent to marry him. Or to stick to him like glue for the rest of my life if he was shy of the whole getting-married thing, having done that before. Despite my love of pomp and circumstance and ritual, I was prepared to forgo the whole dress-up extravaganza and either commit to the partnership in heart and hand only or just keep the legal transactions simple and stand in front of a Justice of the Peace somewhere and then party later with family and friends. (Because, let’s face it, any excuse for a good and love-filled party is not entirely to be passed by, wishes for simplicity aside.)
As it turned out, we had a pretty spectacular wedding day, but it was really icing on the proverbial cake. One of the central beauties of that day was an anthem composed for us by our dear friend, with a text my intended chose from the enigmatic and marvelous Song of Songs that includes the phrase ‘love is as strong as death’–this accompanied by other close friends playing organ and horn and a superb choir of yet more friends (also conducted by the composer). Hard to get more romantic than that. But that was all well after I’d realized that a big spectacle wasn’t necessary to validate the spectacular thing that had already happened within.
All of this because at some point pretty early in our relationship, I knew with complete and unshakeable conviction that when I was with this person I was where I ought to be. It was so clearly and plainly the place and state in which I was meant to exist that I felt it in my bones. I was at home in his house the first time I stopped by for a visit–even though you all know full well that I reinvented that physical space from Day One around the two of us. The music that I heard was not just the glorious sound of his choirs welling up around me but was also a new rhythm in my heartbeat that was more confident, more joyful, and more purely contented than it had ever felt before, in those days before I even knew it could feel this lovely new way. A new sense of the world skewing into proper perspective that suffused my brain.
And that, to me, is how true romance ought to be. Genuinely loving and playful and silly and passionate and supportive and all of that, yes, but most of all, merely having the recognizable quality of a homecoming, every single time we come together. Flowers and candy and frills and thrills are all very welcome in their own right, but they have nothing on a sense of wholeness that only grows with time and no matter how it evolves and changes iterations over the years, will not go away. It is both transcendent and, when it’s so well ingrained and incorporated in the truest sense, also wonderfully, perfectly ordinary.
Today, on my beloved‘s birthday, I have another reason to remember all of the reasons why I am grateful for him and his place in my life and my love–and I in his.
Beloved Mysterious
Beloved Mysterious, if you could see
The blood-dark river hid inside of me
With longing deep as chasms unexplored
Through which, from which, in which that love is poured
In endless flood of hope and of desire
As hot and wild and dangerous as fire
Then you would know the depth, the liquid breath
That carries love for you beyond my death.
It’s Not Just Dragon-Breath that Scares Me
Night Terrors and Morning Madness
How odd, arising in the morning, to look in the mirror’s glass,
To see someone so unfamiliar, so unkind, uncouth and crass,
So ill-mannered and repellant, full of grossness, grease and grunge,
And to wonder how on earth I can begin to clean, expunge,
Remove, ameliorate; to salvage any goodness I could hope
To find in such an unfit carcass; rescue with what bar of soap,
What fell razor or belt sander, what hair shirt, what whips and chains
Aimed at purifying putrid monster madness, would what else remains
E’en resemble who I used to think I was, have any grace?
What relief, when after coffee, I come back and see my face!
Under all of it, thank heavens, lies the self I onetime knew,
With its kindly dragon scales and bony crest familiar: Whew!
Big Hairy Deal
Thanks but No Thanks
If you really know a Good Thing
when you
see it,
(it seems to me) you ought to have
a better idea of
how to
be it.
It’s not that I’m not struck by
the scintillation and dazzle of your
super-fantastic-ness
in person,
it’s just
that I can’t imagine it’s possible
for anyone who is just like you
to worsen.
What I mean is that for someone
who truly seems to
think he
is God’s Gift to Everybody and
stupendous and miraculous, you sure
are
stinky.
Creep
A plethora of pleasures
A deluge of delights
A heap of halcyon happiness
Awaits your days and nights
If you will only let me
Pour on you lavish love
I’ll gladly stop the nastiness
That you accuse me of
Little Things that Make Me Happy
Having Gotten some Stuff Done around the house is high on my list of everyday joys. It should be noted that I don’t say ‘getting some stuff done’–that, to be fair, would be slightly disingenuous, as I’m lazy enough at heart that I prefer the finished product to the process much of the time. Not always; I can get off of my haunches and get active, it’s just a rarer occurrence than that I’m pleased to perch on them surveying my handiwork as an end in and of itself. So I’ll just show off a few of those chores and projects that have given me that sort of pleasure, and perhaps inspire you as well: after all, some of the enjoyment, as you’ll see, comes from the knowledge that each of these items succeeds in making my daily work simpler, and thus, my laziness more tenable. Which, not to be too tautological about the whole thing, is the point of the Doing in the first place.

Putting latches on closet doors that, no matter how they’re hung or how the hinges get adjusted, refuse to stay fully closed. I apologize to the poltergeists whose chief form of entertainment this may have curtailed, but not so much that I am going to remove said latches.

‘Customizing’ the laundry room on the cheap. I’m the sort that teeters between an out-of-sight = out-of-mind mentality, generally, and liking my tidiness too, and since like many homes mine’s most frequently entered through the laundry room (the garage entrance lies there), I can’t abide a junked-up laundry space. So I have over-the-door hooks for quick hanging and access when it comes to day backpacks and *nearly* dry laundry, wall hooks for baseball caps when it’s time to dash out in the blast of sunlight, a wire shelf cut to fit on top of the two opposing door jambs so I can put my laundry basket out of the way but in reach, and my favorite new tweak, replacing the hall door that used to overlap the garage entrance one when they were both open (every time we left or entered the house) and was wont to grab my fingers and scrunch them nearly every time they met. The new door is a bi-fold, and so sits neatly out of reach of that garage exit door and unable to do its dirty deeds any more. I was seriously cheap on this one and bought a closet door that’s unfinished on the laundry room side (plain Masonite), but when I paint it I am planning to use some blackboard paint I have around, and I figure we can use it as a coming-home message and reminder board after that.

While I think it’s nice to have a bookshelf with an assortment of books and magazines in the guest room, ready for any visitor, I know too that many of our guests are en route elsewhere when they stay here, so I like to keep a shelf of it filled with books, magazines and pamphlets about any of the sites, sights and adventures available in this region, in case they’d like to plan further while here. If they happen to open a box with a little sweet treat in it while rummaging, that can’t hurt much either, can it?

Having illogically arranged spaces tends to make me *un*happy. So after a couple of years of being piqued that the cupboard door over the kitchen peninsula, which happens to be the one closest to the kitchen table, open the wrong direction–thereby making the cupboard unreachable and useless–I decided it might be time to cash in on the open shelving trend. Now my drinking glasses are reachable both from the sink and from the table, and are in visible proximity to the tea-and-coffee mugs hung simply on the end of the cabinet. Much easier all ’round.

One of my pet peeves in a kitchen is not being able to find towels for hands or dishes when I need them. But I don’t like having them hanging where they can be schmutzed or pulled down accidentally by any passing person or pet, nor do I appreciate when they block drawers, doors, oven windows and the like from their normal uses. So I took advantage of the sides of the cabinets flanking my kitchen sink window and put up hooks for towels that I think are reasonably identifiable for their respective uses on either side–the hand towel over the side of the sink usually used for hand-washing and the dish towel over the side where the drying rack lives perpetually on the counter. Yes, I am gifted with enormous work spaces in this kitchen and can spare the room for air drying dishes. That, of course, makes my lazy soul happy too.

I’d be lying if I said that having the thermometer outside the kitchen window makes me *happy*, exactly, since it usually tells me nothing more than that It’s Boiling Hot Out There. But forewarning or at least a reminder that the great outdoors might not be as splendidly inviting as it appears here is valuable, at that.

Admittedly, a dish towel hook may not seem like such an impressive possession, but if the one thing it simplifies in my life makes me more willing to actually *do* the dishes, that’s worth something, isn’t it. Having a pleasant view out the window there doesn’t hurt either, even if it’s always a work in progress itself.

My stack of well-worn flour sack dish towels is evidence that doing dishes is not anathema in my kitchen. The wholly holey character of a few of them, I’ll admit, is not dish-related but due to their also making perfect straining cloth for fresh cheeses and home-brewed broths and ideal for drying all sorts of leafy greens and fruit and veg as well. Many trips through the bleach load take their toll, no matter how kindly I try to treat the cloths otherwise.

Replacing what has given its all for many years of intensive use is a source of happiness, too. While it may make interesting textures and patterns and colors, a pot whose nonstick surface has finally converted to everything-sticks status and whose base has warped into a minimal-contact bowl that teeters on the cooktop is facing retirement as soon as I can get my hands on a choice replacement.

On the other hand, being able to refresh the old geezer items with new life is worthwhile and can be fulfilling in its own way as well. A lamp with wiring that has officially hit the half-century mark is probably best not turned back on until I rewire it. The one I have on my work table just now may prove to be an intriguing enough project that I’ll share it with you–when I disassembled it I discovered it was made from a commemorative Jim Beam decanter. Oh, the little things that can bring me happiness. Hmmm. Suddenly I’m inexplicably thirsty. Wonder if there’s any whiskey around.









