Ambivalence

I am of two minds so much of the time! They might both be on the minimal side, whether you’re talking quantity of Thoughts or quality, but they don’t agree with each other as often as I might like. Often enough, they’re not even on speaking terms, despite living in the same brain-pan. Sigh.

One side of me is always excited about the next big thing, the newness and adventures just around any given corner, and the other is nagging me about how unprepared I am for it. One side laughs easily, sings in the car, and opens doors just to find out where they lead, and the other is dragging her heels to stop the impulsive and ready-for-anything side from falling off cliffs or forgetting her keys. And I’ll bet you the rest of the (ostensibly) adult world has the same duality, to varying degrees.

I can’t fix it, and maybe I shouldn’t even try. After all, the ability to temper daring with reason or cheery nonchalance with logic is often useful, if not life-saving. But I can’t help wishing at times that I could just shut the Hall Monitor side up for a bit and let the wild child have free rein, leaving fear and pragmatism behind, if only for an hour or so.

Don’t you?Digital illo: Ambivalence

Hydrodynamics

Image

Digital illo + text: Personal Distinctions

Foodie Tuesday: I was Just Mincing Around the Kitchen, Looking for Something to Eat

Photo: Rice, Lamb & PeasSeasoned minced lamb, rice, and peas. This hardly constitutes a recipe. But if I’m to be honest—and I should, especially since you all know this full well anyway—not much that I do in the kitchen is what anybody would mistake for culinary sophistication. What I prefer is ease of preparation, a tasty and uncomplicated ingredient list, and food that pleases my mood as much as my palate.

So the recent dish of seasoned lamb mixed with broth-cooked rice and green peas met all of my qualifications, especially as the ground meat in question was the other half of that batch I’d cooked up to fill the Jiaozi-of-Mystery some weeks back, and it had been lurking around the darker regions of my freezer ever since. Lacking great inspiration or quantities of time, I did as I often do…

I made a quick survey of the contents of my pantry: hey, a fresh jar of avocado-oil mayonnaise! I could make a plain mayo-and-honey dressing with a sprinkling of ground cardamom from the shelf next to them, zinged with one little jot of lime juice from the fridge, lightly coating an apple-and-celery salad.

I checked the fridge for the apples and celery: Check! Oh, goody. There’s still some of the rice I cooked up the other day, and it’d be a shame to let that go to waste by waiting for me too long. Guess I might just have to crack open one of the last two bottles of beer, too, while I’m at this Fridge Cleaning thing. Of course that’s the main purpose of all this action. What, you think I do this just because I’m a hungry looter?

I looted (oops!) the freezer next, because after all, I was already right next to it and it would be a terrible pity not to clean that out a little as well. What do you know. Minced lamb. It says Jiaozi Filling on the wrapping, which as you know is the virtual equivalent of telling me  not to make jiaozi with it when I am almost morally opposed to following recipes to the letter. Must be intended for, oh, I don’t know, something…with rice and…look! Over there! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Nah, different storyline. It’s frozen peas! Yes. I can use peas in this.

I decided a quick return trip to the fridge and pantry stock was in order. Something liquid but not heavy, to tie up the loose ends of a lamb-rice-peas dish that would otherwise taste a little too haphazardly crumbly perhaps. A sort of teriyaki-ish blend of Tamari, lime juice, and ginger syrup? Yeah, that’ll do it. Done and done.

And that’s how a completely nonsensical trip around the kitchen when I’m already hungry and not in the mood to fuss with food prep goes from rummaging to happily eating in about ten or fifteen minutes, give or take an empty cupboard shelf. That’s also how, I’m glad to say, a slightly late post for Foodie Tuesday gets wrapped up when I remember the meal with a certain middle-of-the-night nostalgia that knows it’s too late for snacking. That’s definitely how a lazy cook keeps from starving, and pretends to clean the kitchen at the same time. We all win. Right?Photo: Apples & Celery

Doomed Love in the Double-Wide

Photo with digitized text: A. Tool

Text: Not Enough Room

Little Alvin Grows Up

Just having a little fun with digital drawing tools again. It’s nice to have art toys, isn’t it. I know that my latest little dragon friend wouldn’t have been hatched, let alone gone through his spotty youth and prime and grown into a fully fledged friendly monster, if I hadn’t had access to such enjoyable and versatile playthings. Little Alvin here is happy to meet all of you.Digital illo: Little Alvin 1 Digital illo: Little Alvin 2

Alvin the Artful

From the day that he was born, he has been drawn to things

That make him want to skip and jump and stretch his wavy wings;

His destiny is in the works and he’s a tool of fate

Designed to entertain, amuse, and if it’s not too late,

To educate his artist friend in how to make him change

From skinny little squiggle lines to something rich and strange,

And older dragon, more mature, more layered, nuanced, wild,

And her, the artist, to more skilled—but happy as a child.Digital illo: Little Alvin 3 Digital illo: Little Alvin 4

It’s a Great Big Dangerous World

For people like me who aren’t naturally brave, just getting up in the morning and leaving the house has its challenges and scary elements. I’m not talking about agoraphobia or even my formerly much higher state of perpetual anxiety, but rather the knowledge that on any ordinary day unexpectedly bad things can happen at any random moment. I know, too, that fabulous and gloriously good things can occur without any apparent reason or preface. And among the many, many things I worry about, even if I don’t outright fear them, are the unknown and loss of an undoubtedly false sense of control.Photo: Leaving the Nest

So when I get the courage to pop out of my cozy little life nest, that place wherever I feel safest and most comfortable and contented, I can have moments of feeling like some little hatchling hopping out off the ledge for the first time, not entirely sure whether my wings work yet or not, let alone whether I will know what to do with them when the time comes. Walking the last mile or so to my doctor’s appointment the other day and seeing a handsome trio of vultures lounging overhead on the telephone poles, I was inclined to make a quick inward note that I hoped the three amigos relaxing up there weren’t also considering me a potentially delicious traveling snack. My hike was, after all, only for a conversational and informational visit to the doctor, so I hoped I wasn’t looking invitingly unwell to their shiny little eyebulbs.Photo: Vultures Watching Over Me

Heading along the highway today and seeing, conversely, the half-flattened remains of some other poor vulture where it had unexpectedly been taught its expiration date by a passing vehicle, I thought the reverse: I wish I could undo your doom, once-graceful bird. The truth is somewhere in between for me, on an average day. Whether I am predator or prey, the day will do with me—and the birds soaring around me—as it wishes. Whether any of us leaving our perches will soar or crash isn’t entirely a matter of choice and will, nor is it wholly chance, but most likely it is someplace in between on an ordinary day. I am so glad that the forces governing us all aren’t utterly capricious but are generally more benign and kindly. Even toward those of us destined to be either road kill or the ones dining on it.

Foodie Tuesday: Keeping Up Appearances

Haphazard cook that I am, I feel compelled at intervals to assess whether the cookery itself is laggardly or it’s only that the presentation needs to be spiffed up a touch. I can’t be an impartial judge of the former, since besides being nearly omnivorous I’m also just lazy and frugal enough to eat almost anything I throw together, and I certainly haven’t the refined or experienced palate of a genuine culinary sophisticate, let alone a food critic. But I’ll allow myself the status of having enough visual experience and training to justify my evaluations of what the stuff I eat looks like and how it’s presented.Photo: Eggs & Rice

So when I get into one of my momentary fits of attempted good posture, whether it’s as a maker of ostensibly edible things or as the artiste plating them and arranging them on the table, I do at least attempt to pay better attention. The other day’s breakfast of broth-and-cheddar rice topped with eggs was, as planned, satisfying, filling, and comfortable, but I’ll admit that it would win no prizes for glamor. It’s not that I believe serving breakfast out of a vintage Hermès handbag would improve either the food or my spiritual character—never mind that I’d have to sell my car and a couple of major appliances to afford it—however, a tiny thing like adding a ribbon of sriracha or a sprig of fresh dill and a few capers would not only boost the actual flavor of the rice-cheese-egg combination to far greater heights but get me halfway there before I took the first bite, thanks to improved appearance and, then, scent. The aphorism about ‘eating with our eyes‘ is true, even if it gives me a case of the comedic creeps in my visually-literalist imagination.Photo: Concombres à la Japonaise

Sometimes the things I’m preparing to eat, whether they’re main courses or side dishes or garnishes themselves, are simply rather homely ingredients that don’t look especially pretty or inviting as they are, and I think it can be fun to fiddle around with them a little to lift the presentation of the whole. A quick pickle à la japonaise is a refreshing add-on when one wants a bit of salutary salivary stimulation, especially with fried or heavily sauced Asian foods. But if you’ve seen one sliced cucumber, you’ve seen them all. So when I make my side of cucumbers, I may score the cucumber’s peel with fork tines before slicing and chilling it in a very light mixture of plain rice vinegar, toasted sesame oil, black pepper, and sugar. Adding whole sesame seeds (plain, toasted, and/or black), ribbons of sushi gari (pickled ginger, natural or pink), crushed red chile peppers can enhance the flavor in so many ways as well as adding color and texture to the meal. And further possible flavoring additions that work deliciously with this kind of instant ‘pickle’ are also attractive visually: thinly shaved red or white onion or thinly sliced carrot flowers or unpeeled Granny Smith apples. Of course, if you go far enough with all of these companionable treats, you’ve strayed far from the realm of pickle garnish and into a full-blown salad bowl, and that’s perfectly acceptable, too.Photo: Food Not Touching

Salads are, after all, commonly the main entrée in many homes, including ours. An easy way to make them more visually interesting just happens to be a better way to serve them  to a picky eater or a group with widely varied tastes or needs, and that is to either plate the dish mostly as a composition or a deconstructed assemblage. The ingredients shine in their individuality. They don’t touch each other as much. I hear loud huzzahs of approval from my spouse and all his kindred out there, and I know that for many this is still not enough. The offending ingredient, if there is such, can at least be discreetly scooted to the side of your plate nearest to the person you know who loves it, and his or her fork, without the loss of any of the parts you like. And the salad doesn’t fit the snarky description infamous in our house on presentation-failure occasions, “are ya gonna eat that, or didja?”

But in seriousness on this topic, the best is always to let each diner serve his or her own meal, because the food-not-touching is an incredibly, truly sensitive, emotional, and even sometimes, ethical or life-and-death issue for more people than anyone can safely guess. I am not constrained by any such inhibitions, loving sweet and savory together, textural mixes, contrasts, and all kinds of things that others might find appalling combined, but then I do consider ingredients’ compatibility in taste before I do in looks, and therein lies the need for me to step back like this occasionally. In the meantime, I’ll say that I’m sorry that others can’t enjoy a melange of ingredients as the symphonic experience I find in them, and just hope that most at least delight in a good solo when they eat their meals one item on one plate at a time.Photo: The House Coleslaw

As for salads, since you know I make our household’s standard version of coleslaw very regularly, they’re not likely to look wildly different, let alone inspiring or exciting, unless I take the time to alter an ingredient or garnish or two. Or, as I did with our good friends coming for dinner the other day, serve it as a composed salad garnished with the starring variants on top and the dressing on the side. Everybody gets the proportions they like of the different components of the salad, and as much or little dressing as preferred. Yes, I did ask them what they could or would eat beforehand. And I’m far more willing to make my friends and guests do some of the work to make their own best choices than to give them something that only a few at table will like or can eat just as it’s served. Most of our friends end up milling around the living and dining rooms and kitchen with glass or dish in hand at some point anyway, so if they choose what they’re carrying, they’re more likely to want to eat it before it drops on the floor.Photo: Mandarins & Snap Peas on Top

The latter being, of course, not at the top of my list of food presentation styles, but hey, if spilled food is really artfully splashed and smashed, I can always make an exciting photo out of it for later inspiration.

A Philosophy of Orange

Photo + text: Color Theory Revised

Photo montage: Odes to Orange

Good Night, Sleep Tight. All Right?

Last night, crabby me; lucky me, maybe, because it was for a good cause, but I did not enjoy the sleep study. I was getting tested for sleep apnea, though both the doctor and I suspect it’s more likely new allergies are the impediment to my night breathing and sleep. It was genuinely interesting to have the nice and friendly technician, Mohammad, explain to me all that was being monitored as he wired me up (dang! A perfect Selfie op missed!), including not only my breathing and pulse oxygen levels and heart rate but also limb motion for possible restless-leg syndrome, and EEG to see whether I have any detectable brain activity at any time. Unlikely, as you all know.

But I also wasn’t supremely keen on driving a half hour on our yucky under-construction-ripped-up-everywhere freeway to the lab and back—in an incipient thunderstorm on the return—for a wonderfully UN-restful 9:30 pm-5 am “sleep” that probably totaled about 5 hours of actual unconsciousness. For a person who craves 9-11 hours at a minimum (also a reason for the apnea testing), not my idea of restful. Getting awakened in the pre-dawn dark and effectively kicked out of the house is not my favorite thing even when I know it’s to take off for a fabulous vacation! This morning, of course, in addition to knowing I was going to have a very short night, I was freezing under a skinny blanket with the ceiling fan helicoptering madly over my head, and was told to stay on my back the whole time, too, my least common or favored sleeping position in the first place. I sure hope I’m right about not having apnea, ’cause then I don’t have to go back next week and do this again but with a night breathing Apparatus being fitted.

Although it was almost worth it all to get home and look in the mirror while I washed up and see what looked like humongous globs of snot here and there in my hair. Good thing the scalp sensors are glued on with water-soluble stuff!!! Something sort of like the old-fashioned butch wax my spouse and many of his pals used to groom their flattop haircuts when they were kids. Scrub, scrub, scrub. The body sensors were attached with a more typical bandage adhesive, so they just left grimy circles of a suction-cup sort here and there on my shoulders and legs. So many remembrances of my special time. Here’s to this being a one-time thing.

Needless to say, back home at 6:30 this morning, I washed my snotty hair and piled right into my own bed for another 5 hours, my actual night’s sleep. And then took a 2 hour nap late in the afternoon to top it off. Don’t want to be too tired to sleep through the whole night tonight, no matter how clear my breathing is. I have priorities, you know.Digital illo: Sleeping Beauty

Scream It Like You Mean It

Digital illo: B&BIf you’ve never experienced the almost ferally visceral adventure of hearing a performance where the formally clad male chorus belts out the lyrics of each work, each man in perfect time with what would ordinarily be his voice part (first tenor, bass, baritone, etc), but screaming so loudly that there’s no discernible key singly or altogether—then you’ve never heard the Finnish performers known as Mieskuroro Huutajat (Screaming or Shouting Men). In their performances, even the most famous and familiar songs are deep mysteries to be unmasked gradually by focused—if slightly frightened—listeners. If you haven’t had the Shouting Men experience, however, you might still have had such a hair-raising listening adventure in a supposed concert or rehearsal. Many an ordinary choir has its moments of being involved in an almost unbearable shout-fest.

Sitting in the back of a hard-surfaced rehearsal space packed with a mass choir in prep for the famously big and bombastic Beethoven Nine‘s ‘Freude, schöner Götterfunken,’ with a chorus of big-voiced collegians full of energy and enthusiasm, no less, could conceivably deafen you. Or drive you mad. ‘Ode to Joy‘ becomes almost insufferably opposite to joyful, the choral equivalent of being carpet-bombed, if the singers haven’t already been subject to a goodly quantity of training prior to your visit.

The recent evening where the latter experience reminded me of the aural dangers with which such rehearsals can be fraught was, thankfully, not that group’s first foray into the depths of the piece. They had worked past the awkward or tuneless point of flogging notes and were more focused on nuances of the sound in various parts of the composition where phrasing and textual emphasis begin to be more significant than learning individual notes or when strictly turning the volume ‘up to eleven‘ is the goal. Now it was time to be subtler, to learn why Ludwig van Beethoven or the text’s poet Friedrich Schiller might have chosen a particular word, or what singers in the rehearsal might need to be prepared for when they were handed off in a week or two to the symphony conductor who would lead the public performances. And, of course, it was time to be untying some more of the knots in the choir’s German pronunciation.

Getting the sounds of the language right and even, sometimes, appropriate to a period in history when the language was significantly different from the present version, if that’s when the composition was written, always makes as much improvement in the overall sound of a piece as getting the notes right. Most composers’ works are heavily flavored as much by the natural vowel and consonant sounds and rhythms of their textual languages as by their personal compositional styles and languages. If you’re singing in German but your first language is English or Korean or Spanish or Chinese, as is the case with most of these students, that can take some serious learning and practice.

On the night in question, the big Beethoven rehearsal was followed in less than a half hour by a full concert performance of another massive German choral classic, the Johannes Brahms ‘Ein deutsches Requiem.’ This piece was performed by the most advanced and experienced of the university’s choirs, with even bigger voices among them, in the main concert hall of the campus. That group was, of course, at the end of its whole rehearsal period of work on the Brahms, and was in concert dress and on stage in the far finer and more refined acoustics of the performance space. Attending audience members would hardly think about it, most of them not having just sat in the foregoing rehearsal, but despite the potentially deeper well of experience among the singers, their later stage of preparation, the improved acoustic, and the attentive state of the choristers that arises in performance mode, the problems and possibilities remained pretty much the same. If the German pronunciation was any less accurate, the pitches any less solid and informed, the changes in meter and volume any less clear, precise, subtle, and graceful, there could still be the risk of concert attendees being deafened or merely battered about the head by the cacophony. You might not always think of concert attendance (especially outside of death-metal arena performances) as being dangerous, but there it is.

As a favorite opera educator was fond of saying, practice and preparation could mean the difference between Bel canto (beautiful singing) and Can Belto (a humorous American coinage meaning, roughly, I Can Shout). The zone between these two can be remarkably small when the music is as grand-scale, powerful, and emotionally charged as Beethoven and Brahms’s superb works. No matter which the piece, far better that both performers and audience leave feeling joyful than near to needing their own requiems sung. Yelling “songs” can be an interesting stunt (and one I have experienced in a small and resonant space with that chorus of Finnish gentlemen blaring away at me), and it’s often a state that must be visited sometime during the preparation of a major choral work, too. But unless the goal is actually having listeners’ heads explode, it’s ever so much better that everyone does his and her preparation diligently until the big sounds, even in rehearsal, are not constantly terrifying but in fact mostly soul-stirring. Nice when we can save the shouting for a good standing ovation’s “Bravissimi!” at the end of the concert.Digital illo: Can Belto

In fond memory of our dear James Dale Holloway, who was known to exhort his singers to “never sing louder than Lovely!”