A Hairstyle Fit for a Harridan

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My untamed nature often comes out in pointed ways . . .

Beauty queen I am decidedly not. Never shall be. It goes so thoroughly against my natural bent to fuss and primp for prettiness that it’s a miracle I don’t just pop out of bed and haul directly off to wherever the day should take me, entirely unimproved. But that just wouldn’t be nice. Unsuspecting people outside of my house deserve some consideration.

Ever look in the mirror and wonder just who that creature is that’s staring cryptically back at you? In my case I never doubt it’s my own image reflected, but depending upon the hour of the day (can’t promise it’s morning either when I’m willing to arise or when I’m remotely prepared for a look in the mirror) I may be only moderately willing to admit to the relationship, at best. This beast-that-is-me has no sympathy with playing princess. I’m glad to say that I think myself pleasant looking enough on the whole without any serious touch-ups, but the effects of what some jokester decided to name Beauty Sleep just make it hard sometimes for any natural niceness I possess to shine through visibly.

So I always recommend scheduling your interactions with me well after the crack of noon, just to be on the safe side. Otherwise, you may meet face-to-snout with a slightly startling character and I simply can’t promise there wouldn’t be lasting effects on your morale or sanity. I do mean well.

It’s not really my fault, but nighttime takes a toll on me that can counter the best effects of a good dream-fest abed. First, there’s the whole problem of the bed linens. While they may make the practice of lying down to pass the night more sheltered and comfy in a very welcome fashion, they also have a miraculous way of twisting themselves into a close enough facsimile of mummy wrappings that I always come out of bed wearing a series of elaborate stripes, squiggles and indentations that reconfigure me into a suspiciously mythical looking creature by morning. The Atomic Prune with Two Legs!!! Run for your lives! Somehow it seems cruel that the bed linens get to contort me mercilessly like that and yet I still have to de-contort them to get the bed back into usable form for the next night’s expedition towards forty winks.

Being from birth about as pale as a second-rate vampire, I am none too fond, either, of the proto-invisibility I achieve by sleeping my circulation down to virtual nil. Some days I fear that if I were to look into the mirror too soon after waking, I would have accomplished the full vampiric inability to see my reflection at all. It may be that I should consider building up my retirement funds by taking advantage of any temporary invisible state and become a criminal mastermind while it lasts . . . but then I remember that this would require the capability of being a mastermind along with invisibility. Never mind that, then.

My teeth grow sweaters overnight. I’m a big fan of fine cardigans, but never intended to produce them orally, let alone where they can apparently only be dismantled by brushing with a belt sander. Seems like I could be down to teeth the size of sesame seeds by the time I’m seventy at this rate. Not that I don’t like sesame seeds. Smaller and thinner than sweaters, at least. Certainly a new Look for me.

Most predictably of all, every time I look in the mirror is a new challenge to my skills for creature-identification, given the interesting and amazing things my hair can do. I wear it short both out of laziness–wash-and-wear hair is all the style I am willing to attempt–and out of vanity: I learned the hard way years ago that the long hair generally considered on other women to be a sexy beauty asset just makes me look like an inbred Afghan hound. So I go with the shorter ‘do, and it does just fine. Except overnight.

That’s when it takes on a life of its own and converts me into anything from a depressed Cheviot ewe to Dr. Seuss‘s Grinch, from an oil-slicked sea lion to an alien invader and/or Bob’s Big Boy. All of them potentially entertaining, I’ll admit, but at the same time, possibly unsettling to see in the mirror. Or is that just my insecurity speaking?

Very probably, my ruminating on it just now is merely an indicator that it’s about time I headed for the aforementioned bed. Risking, of course, whatever that contraption and my time overnight in it might chance to inflict upon my body and being. I think I can continue to cope: whatever Ma Nature dishes out I must learn to handle as best anyone can. I’ll let you know how that’s working later–but just in case, don’t stop by the house before noon!

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If it's good enough for Mother Nature, it's good enough for me!

I don’t Think I’m Crazy, but I’m Not Crazy about Clowns, Either

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. . . though just for the record, my malevolence against clowns will never be acted upon with anything more deadly than a squirting boutonniere . . .

Barrel of Laughs

Pity it comes to this, my friend;

I’d hoped to sidestep such an end

To our relationship–could not

Persuade you to eschew your plot.

Your gay facade of childlike cheer

Could not disguise your purpose here

Of traumatizing all the guests–

In fact, my prosecution rests

On your determined bright demeanor

Of insouciance in between or

Right over the top of griefs;

In fact, it is my firm belief

You’d gladly goad into the grave

Precisely those you sham to save

From daily life’s grotesqueries.

It’s cruel monstrosities like these

Harsh japes and jests and thoughtless jollies,

Nasty hijinks, fatal follies

Foisted on our sad world by

An ur-aggressive perky guy

With terrifying giant shoes,

Yarn wig and honking horn, and whose

Dire predilection for a prank

Makes most of us just want to yank

Off his bow-tie and bulbous nose

To the degree you might suppose

We’d some psychosis, but the fact

Is, though our souls remain intact,

They are endangered by his farce

Whom we’d be kicking in the arse

If we were not still too refined

To entertain that state of mind.

So rather, I must batten down

Your overweening ways, you clown,

And stare to naught your laughing fun

Right down the barrel of my gun.

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It's only a squirt-gun, but you're in my sights, you bozo!

Farmer Friendly

photoAn Understanding

Jacob Johnson Underhill,

Our long-gone friend, we miss him still,

For there’s none left to pester now

That he is dead; the old hay mow

Has no more mousetraps set to catch

Him with an unexpected snatch;

His cows remain un-tipped; the well

Where his hat “accidentally” fell

Is boarded up; the outhouse stays

Untroubled now for days and days

Where it was once (we’re sorry, Mom)

Deposit for a cherry bomb

And too, quite often (sorry, Dad)

Pushover to a farmer’s lad

And lass who hunted for a thrill,

Thanks to old farmer Underhill.

photosNow his old tractor has not seen

Us sugar up his gasoline

Or stuff a tater in its pipe

For ages, things that used to gripe

Old Jacob some, but he plowed on

With chuckling brown-toothed grin; he’s gone

And how we miss him now, old coot,

Who never bent to our pursuit

But took it all in patient stride,

The way we liked to chap his hide.

The fact is, he loved us until

He was no more, old Underhill.

It’s dull down on the farm these days,

Except when a peculiar haze

Will sometimes gather in the field

And there his shade may be revealed

To grin, complicit with us still,

Old Jacob Johnson Underhill.

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I’m So Unpretentious You’ll be Totally Impressed with Me

photoExtra Ordinary

Although I arrived in my mile-long limousine

amid a storm of camera flash lightning and wailing

pleas, ‘Look here! Over here!’, and with

my customary flutter all around, confetti-like, of fans

awash in sycophantic swirls of yearning whirlwind flight,

photoyou needn’t be intimidated by my entourage and air

of mystical perfection, for I am quite ordinary too

and put on my pants one three-thousand-dollar leg

at a time, just the same way that you do

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Hunk of Burning Lady-Love

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I'm in the full bloom of my life . . .

A Real Hottie

O radiant beauty, dost thou know

What microwaves thine innards so–

Pray, can it be that bane of men

And women both, yea, estrogen?

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Go ahead, my man, and throw me bouquets!

As the Murky Mermaid Cried, It Never Seems to Work Out for Me with You Mortal Twerps!

  • photosHas our romance tanked? Or were you just horsing around the whole time anyway?

Deep Anxiety

Azure the swell of the ocean

As it laps at my ankles and knees

Returns me to innocent ages

With its salt-scented tropical breeze

Enticing me into the water

To dance with the angels and clowns,

Those colorful fish,

Whose great subversive wish

Is that every two-legs of us drowns

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Is my luminous love anemone of the people?

Jellied Love

Wrap your arms around me, Dear,

Your thousand arms diaphanous

And slinky; pull me closer thus

And squish my spleen right out my ear—

 

A hug is only so refined,

Caresses valued most and best

That find me mashed against your chest

Until I’m quite out of my mind—

 

Crush me with adoration, squeeze

The living daylights from my heart

Till I this earthly plane depart

To ocean’s bottom, pretty please!

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When love comes the raw prawn and leaves you blue . . .

Ice for the Drinking

Has love grown cold? Didst run too hot?

I’m lost now that I’ve got it not,

And plunged into a deep abyss

Where everything is dark, amiss;

Neither is it quite blue or green,

But rather some miracle in between,

That diamond shimmer’s cold allure

Demands my fealty for sure

When sun sears high and day grows long;

It plies the perfect siren song

Toward leaping in the drink to freeze

My overheated soul with breeze

Tinted with mint or Curaçao . . .

Say, I could use an ice cube now!

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Ah, Ophelia, you are not alone in falling into the drink!

Correct Me If I’m Wrong (and I Never am . . . )

spurs & windmill photos

EVERYTHING is research, no? Put on your spurs, head into the wind, and file this, baby!

I think of life as one big information-expedition. Whatever we do or sense or observe gets filed for future reference. Some things are instantly obvious candidates for the Circular File, yes, but everything else should potentially be of interest in one fashion or another. Call it ‘learning from experience’ or fodder for future tall tales to the great-grandkids or simply useful stuff to know, I can’t think of anything that doesn’t, shouldn’t or can’t inform the future self if stored and processed thoughtfully.

Anu Garg‘s wonderful resource website and newsletter A.Word.A.Day (http://wordsmith.org/awad/) is full of marvels: offering the etymology of a word (or more) each day, it seeks to broaden not only our vocabularies but our exposure to and, hopefully, understanding of the history, culture, politics, religions, biology, biography, and so forth–not only of our immediate surrounding population and geographic areas but all of the world’s intertwining ones as well. In addition, the site includes quoted wisdom, pathos and humor from great thinkers and writers. Today’s quotation was one that especially resonated in me:

A writer — and, I believe, generally all persons — must think that whatever happens to him or her is a resource. All things have been given to us for a purpose, and an artist must feel this more intensely. All that happens to us, including our humiliations, our misfortunes, our embarrassments, all is given to us as raw material, as clay, so that we may shape our art. –Jorge Luis Borges, writer (1899-1986)

I’ve long felt that, whatever other good bad or indifferent qualities I impute to my life experiences, they shape not only how I think and act afterward but also what directions my creative life is bound to take. I have not even remotely achieved the Buddhist ideal of absolute presence in the moment or a fully and minutely examined life. In my case, though, I attempt most to apply that special rigor to the sensory experiences of my existence, since it is the use of the senses in interpreting and expressing my thoughts and ideas as art that gives me my best self-expression in its broader meaning.

Thankfully, my immediate circle is famously patient with such things. When my partner and I go for a walk, he is enjoying the movement and the tour through a place. I am spending some of the outing walking right along with him, but it’s usually interrupted from time to time by my stopping to investigate and/or photograph whatever intriguing distraction has caught my Miss Magpie eye. I call our walks ‘interval training’ on my part, because while my spouse has continued at his regular pace and I’ve been playing amateur researcher-inspector-scientist, the gap has widened from arm’s length and I must either speed up a little or hit a dead run to catch up for another bit of close-up strolling. Whether it’s now stored in my digital memory as a snapshot or not, whatever caught my attention is filed as quickly as possible–preferably while I catch up to my walking partner, since he may well have continued our conversation without noticing that I’d dropped behind and it would make for some disconcerting non-sequiturs indeed if I interjected with commentary on the beetle wing I just hurriedly stuffed in my pocket or the Art Deco cornice I paused to photograph.

Certainly I have found the digital mini-camera a boon when it comes to those fleeting moments of ideation and inspiration. More often than not, it’s long after the fact that I find the meaning and particular interests in whatever had diverted my attention, frequently because, upon seeing the photograph I’d hastily taken, I’m now noticing something new of interest. That’s usually when I spot similarities of appearance or type, or affinities that put this new tidbit into the context of some story I’d intended to tell or that make it a ‘good fit’ for grouping with other found treasures in my endless stream of visual-mental comparisons and meta-matches, these usually leading to yet another story or stream-of-consciousness ramble. Thus go the meanderings of the trackless mind.

The special appeal, for me, of such unplanned and serendipitous findings is that nothing goes to waste. There are no Wrong Answers in this class. Mistakes and griefs, misfires and tragedies, ugly things and scary things and unbelievably stupid things all have as much possibility for conversion into a good story or a fine piece of art as any happy or pretty thing can have. Even MY mistakes and griefs. With a bit of perspective, at least. So, whenever I can unfurl from the fetal position after having been hit by or created a disaster, I teach myself yet again to spring up with the cartoon-like enthusiasm of those eensy-weensy Olympians popping over the vaulting horse, throw my hands triumphantly in the air, and yell, “I meant to do that!” and then do my best to incorporate the most useful elements of what’s left of me after the experience into an even better me.

Or at the least, into a pretty cool piece of creative art.

aquarium photos + text

It takes some courage, to be sure . . .

And it’s particularly helpful to remind myself that, even if I’m not quite up to that task, maybe the Artist character that I play could do it . . .

For Overgrown Children Everywhere

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Not to be two koi about it . . .

As there’s a remote possibility you have been otherwise occupied with counting the holes in the ceiling tiles while I was previously presenting you with irrefutable mountains of evidence (not that I have ANY knowledge of such off-topic pursuits myself), I will just state plainly and without prejudice and for the record that I am a little kid in semi-adult clothing. If you have a problem with that, I certainly don’t know what you’re doing here, of all places. But I suspect that the majority of us over-twenties simply come to terms with a similar internal détente at some point after realizing that (a) being grown up is highly overrated and (2) as long as we can at least put on the guise of behaving in an appropriately adult manner when absolutely necessary, it is in fact quite pleasant, if not desirable, to indulge the inner infant as much as we’re able.

That’s why so much of my art and writing are full of lowbrow hijinks and saturated in silliness. So today, I give you a brief picture-book with a storyline that can pander to those too deeply entrenched in their maturity to admit to liking such things (but only, perhaps, having a reasonably stretchy imagination that can drag this tale into meta-meaning-infested waters) but is really designed simply to attract with pictures of fun creatures and a caption-fed miniature narrative. I leave it to you to fill in the blanks with enough buttercream icing and expanding lightweight spackle to suit your particular tastes or needs. Without being too coy about it, I hope.

crappie photo

. . . but I've had a crappie day . . .

insect photo

. . . so don't bug me about it, okay?

bug exoskeleton photos

Death and disintegration will come to all of us eventually . . .

chicken photo + mixed media. . . so I guess there’s no point in being a big chicken about it.

lambs photo

Yes! Cheer up, my lambs, and quit your woolgathering . . .

moth and maple seed photos

. . . something new and exciting will come along soon enough!