Critics, beware! Some performances are more unpleasant than you ever imagined.
Tag Archives: humor
Been There; Dumb, That.
Chaos is the Order of the Day
Whenever I think I’m finding my balance, getting the hang of things, or otherwise making rational sense of my life, something happens to remind me that in my reality, these things are impossibilities. And probably unnecessary anyhow. The longer I look at anything, the more its illogical qualities emerge; the more illogical and foolish the world appears to me, the more at home I feel in it. Go figure. 
If Words are Food for Thought, Writers should Always Play with Their Food
Writing, like most other creative problem-solving processes, can sometimes best coalesce into sense out of utter nonsense. Untrammeled play is often the precursor to productive work, and if it remains unproductive, there will be less cursing afterward anyway. If you know what I mean, and since you’re hanging around here I can only assume that you, too, understand the importance of letting your silly side out for regular exercise.
So today, no more from me than a hearty helping of hooey. How shall I refine the ridiculous on this occasion? Perhaps not at all. Maybe I’ll just throw it on the table and let you decide what’s worth a nibble or a nosh, for once. Play on, pals.
Noises On
Bye bike bicycle
Far farce farcical
Pop plop Popsicle
Drip drop dropsical
Miracle spherical
Fanatical dramatical
Hysterical historical
Oracle Coracle Rhetorical
Trickle mickle pickle tickle fickle nickel prickle
Hackle spackle cackle grackle tackle
Chuck chuckle chuckling Buck buckle buckling Suck suckle suckling
Duck…Duckle? Duckling…
Oh, F…I mean, Yuck.
Definitive Thoughts
Aberration [/ˌæb.’bɛər.ˈreɪ.ʃ(ə)n/ noun]: the odd ursine meal.
Harbinger [/ˈhɑːr.bɪndʒ-ɜːr/ noun]: one who chortles incontinently.
Jasmine Tea [/’dʒæz.men.ˌtiː/ noun]: Thelonious and Tatum play golf.
Protuberance [/prə.ˈtuː.bər.əns/ noun]: in favor of liquid-cleaning one’s brass instrument.
Rapscallion [/ræp.ˈskæl.i.ən/ noun]: green onion that induces stream-of-consciousness chanting.
Raisin Bread [/ˈreɪ.z.ˌɪnˈbred/ noun]: what’s the matter with cousinbrother Raymond.
Saline [/ˈseɪ.lɪŋ/ verb]: what square-riggers do over the bounding main.
Scalawag [/ˈskæl.ɪ.wæɡ/ noun]: opera house humorist.
Maturity is So Overrated
I make this claim boldly, though as all of you know by now, I have never supped of maturity myself. I simply rely on the expertise of my betters who have visited the halls of grown-up-itude, however unwillingly or briefly, and am assured that my current Peter Pan flight plan will serve my needs and interests far better than the perhaps morally uplifting or civically productive ones others pursue. Sorry, world. What you see is undoubtedly what you’ll get.
Still, I flatter myself (another of my peculiarly abundant gifts) that many of my true role models, from my esteemed pater on out to remoter avatars like, yes, S. J. Perelman, have made careers and lives out of similarly irresponsible seeming stuff and yet managed in the greater scheme of things to have marvelous adventures out of those lives and careers, and even influenced others so to do. While I have no delusions of my own future grandeur based on their successes, I at least think of them as a partial excuse.
Best of Intentions
Mirrors, those revealers of the truth, are hated; that does not prevent them from being of use. -Victor Hugo, novelist and dramatist (26 Feb 1802-1885)
What Fools, These Mortals
Hester the Jester was not a protester,
but every semester she stood
Proclaiming the truth, and she fought, nail and tooth,
for the right and the ruth and the good,
And I really should mention her kindly intention:
dissension and strife she eschewed,
While meaning to find ways to open the mind
and the eyes of the blind, not be rude—
But whatever she meant with her selfless intent,
there began to foment quite a storm
Of objection to this, her good aims gone amiss,
dissertation destroyed by the norm
Of assuming one’s thought was aright and was not
to be questioned or brought ridicule,
Called privilege, might—for the mighty, a Right
to be right, day and night, was the rule—
Her well-meaning japes made the men feel like apes
and the womenfolk’s napes itch with ire,
And the moment arose when a number of those
tweaked her nose, set her hairpiece on fire,
Bashed her quite black and blue with a strop and a shoe,
swapped her lip balm with glue, stole her hat
With its jingling bells, threw her in prison cells
with appalling bad smells—and with that,
They ended her reign, in despite of the brain
and the might and the main she had shown,
And, as Jester no more, she was only a boor
who got kicked out the door on her own.
The moral, you ask? Keep your thoughts in a cask,
in a secretive flask of great tact,
And instead of Truth, Charm will prevent much alarm
and protect you from harm, and in fact,
Diplomacy’s best, whether true or in jest,
and at Hester’s behest, you should wait,
Your opinions held fast, silently, to the last,
lest your presence be past, and you, Late.
Another Day in the Life of a Dead Person
Today I saw a televised ad encouraging persons who had experienced negative results from using a particular medical treatment to come forward and be represented in a class action suit by the law firm posting the advertisement. The advert had the usual tangle of legal terms sprinkled among references to the undesirable outcomes various patients had experienced, as this sort of campaign usually does, but somebody in the TV production department seems to have had his or her own unintended grammatical consequences, because the last frame of text that appeared on the TV screen exhorted victims “If you have used this product and experienced injury, stroke, heart attack, or death, please call now,” and gave a toll-free telephone number.
I wonder what the protocol is for operators being contacted by any plaintiffs in the latter category, and whether, if any said operator should in turn have a stroke or heart attack or just die from the shock, that too would be legally admissible as a result of the faulty medication, however indirectly. Might set off quite the cycle of problems, though the more it filled coffins, the more it would presumably also fill the lawyers’ coffers.
No matter. Surely everybody needs a little understanding now and then for not responding as the inviting party might wish on every occasion, no matter how enticing the invitations might be. After all, I’d imagine it can be difficult to be perfectly socially correct when one has already kicked the bucket. Just saying.
Flea, Fly, Flew
I am not bugged by insects as much as many other people seem to be, but there are limits to my tolerance. I do not enjoy, for example, finding them taking blood samples from any portion of my anatomy without a doctor’s referral, nor do I appreciate having any of them buzz around my head with the persistence of a news helicopter hovering over a celebrity wedding site. But they can be intriguing looking characters, and the majority of them most certainly seem to lead fascinating lives, among their many and varied species, so as long as I can study them from a safe distance I am happy to either learn about them or merely continue my childish and fantastical speculations whenever the mood strikes.
For Love or Money
I don’t imagine I need to tell you that marrying anyone for the sake of his or her fortune (or for any other vain, shallow thing that offers no promise of compatibility) is far less likely to lead to a successful union than choosing a life partner for love’s sake. Yet it still appears to happen remarkably often, this rather forlorn hope that being financially impressive will be enough to overcome any other sorts of objectionable shortcomings. Far nicer, I think, to choose shared values, friendly companionship, mutual attraction, and the numerous other commonalities that can make real love bloom and grow.
On Valentine’s Day, as on any other day of the year, I am deeply grateful and outlandishly delighted that I found the person I can happily wander off with, hand-in-hand, toward our mutually appointed sunset, no matter what turns our fortunes will take along the way. We each have the advantage, as well, of being married to an artist, so there’s definitely no danger of either of us having married for the other’s massive bank account or hovering around hoping the other kicks the bucket soon so we can inherit untold millions. We’re just comfortably stuck with loving each other for the sake of love. Hurray!
Some Affections Take More Effort than Others
The artificial construct of American Valentine’s Day is a wonderful economic boost and boon for those who manage to take full advantage of the opportunity. And it’s not terrible, by any means, to feel a nudge toward wearing my heart on my sleeve a little more boldly and publicly than usual on occasion. But isn’t it also marvelous to be romantic and loving just because one really does feel kindly toward and admiring of another person? To do so not merely on one predetermined day of the year but any old time, and without requiring mass popular pressure to ensure that the signs of affection meet commercial standards, but rather, simply, that they please one’s beloved as a token of genuine affection?
Yes, I do still think it’s charming and admirable if part of what I feel moved to do is to shower particular tokens of tenderness and love on the object of my affections by treating her or him to a day of delirious delights smack dab on the aforementioned Official day of love and romance, along with any and all of the other days. Have at it! There is absolutely nothing wrong with honestly effusive compliments, dizzyingly gorgeous chocolates, fresh flowers, and champagne, if you ask me. Feel free to send them my way.








